Monday, February 23, 2009

Good Substitute Mommy V.S. Bad Substitute Mommy

Dating a father (no, no...not MY father, just A father) has lead me into situations that are usually in the forbidden territory with the big No Trespassing signed hammered into the dirt with the words "Moms ONLY". Well, I'm not M & J's mom; will never be and don't want to be but, I do try to be a good substitute. Someone they can come to when their own mommy (who does a fantastic job) isn't at arms length. I've definitely had some hits and some misses.

Good Substitute Mommy:

Julia comes home from a slumber party with a warning from the mother that the party was infected with lice. I swoop in to save the day by carefully examining each and every inch of that precious little girls head, all the while masking my sudden panic attack derived from my own insanely itchy head. Although, I found nothing, I advised the family we should take the necessary precautions and wash Julia's head with RIC and launder all pillows, clothing, teddy bears etc. that could have been contaminated at the danger zone (a.k.a. the slumber party). I get a "I couldn't have done it without you" look from my man.

Bad Substitute Mommy:

Teaching the kids rhymes and chants deemed "inappropriate" by their father. For example: "M-O-M-M-Y. You don't know your moms a guy. Yo momma. Yeah. Yeah Yo momma!"

OR:

"Boys go to Jupiter to get more Stupider. Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys drink beer to get more queer. Girls drink Pepsi to get more Sexy".


Each new day is a new lesson learned.

Friday, February 20, 2009

So How Did We Really Meet??


So, I get a text message last night from two dear childhood friends submitting a requested topic for my blog. The request: "How did you meet your boyfriend?" . I find this so funny because this always seems to be everyone's first question; as if they can't fathom the idea of me meeting someone older, romantically, in everyday life . Like I had to travel to some foreign planet where "gold-diggers", "cradle robbers", "cougars" and Hugh Hefner's ex girlfriends all travel to find a date for the weekend. This is often how the conversation goes...

"So how did you meet Mark?".

"Mutual friends".

Long pause......"REALLLLY".

Meaning......how do you even have mutual friends?? Isn't he....older??? Doesn't he like live in a house like old people do and have a mortgage and pool, a life insurance policy and (long dramatic pause) KiDs!!?! But, never the less, the curiosity of my friends and family has been quite entertaining. So...how did we really meet?? The following are a few scenarios. Maybe one is the right story or maybe they all are the right story. Take a guess......


1.) We met at church....while we were both married. (Oh no the horror!!) BUT, before you fall on your knees and throw Holy Water at your computer screen, it was only in passing. Mark was my ex-husbands' Youth group, Sunday school teacher. We didn't reconnect until we ran in to each other at a bar this past summer (don't tell the baptist) and began chatting. When we realized that we both were recently divorced, we exchanged numbers, left the bar and enjoyed a late night breakfast with each other. We went out on our first 'real' date the next day.


2.) We met through a mutual friend. A co-worker of mine was trying to get me out of what she liked to call a "slump". She made it her personal goal and utmost priority to find me a man. I was beginning to think she was not trying to find the the perfect man...just ANY man. She began by setting me up with a golf pro she knew. She showed me a picture and he seemed cute and I like golf, so I thought that would be a great match...WRONG. Complete and Total photo-fraud! So bad I didn't even recognize him when he sat down across from me at the restaurant. So, needless to say, when she suggested I try one more friend of hers, I was a bit apprehensive. We I went up to Mark, at the wine bar after being 15 minutes late- he stood up (tall-Check!) and smiled (cute-Check) and lead me to the table by placing, but not touching, his hand at the small of my back (gentleman-CHECK)....I knew that I was in for a great night. We stayed and talked for hours and had such a good time. When he called the next day and asked me out again...I whole heartedly said "YES".


3.) We met on a dating web site. I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me, went against my better judgement and signed up for match.com on a three week trial. Online dating, quickly proved itself to be all that I imagined....Horrible! I absolutely hated it. The first guy I talked to online (cute, seemingly funny, smart, successful) ended up solely being online to find lonely desperate women to participate in his "threesome" fantasies. I pulled myself out of that running before you could say "sex addict". Went to the movies with another guy who tried to hold my hand 3 minutes into the show and I freaked out on him....never heard back from that guy. When my 3 wks was coming to an end, I got a message from a nice looking man. I read his profile and he seemed interesting, but my experience had been so bad, I didn't contact him. A few days later with only a few short days to spare on the site...I decided to write the guy back. I'm so glad that I did. Three days later, we met up for dinner and both agreed it was the best blind date ever.


4.) We met in the parking lot. I was running across the parking lot at my work-shoes in one hand, Starbucks coffee in the next. I was 5 minutes late for an emergency meeting our CEO had just called. Mark was also walking up to my building to meet with a customer of his on the 7th floor of my building. He was walking in front of me, with his associates as I dashed past him and....spilled my Starbucks on the sleeve of his jacket. I spun around and apologized expecting to get a thrashing from him. He said it was not a problem and smiled. I ran into my office and slipped in late to my meeting. As I was coming out of the restroom a few hours later I saw him step off the elevator. I walked up to him, apologized again and handed him my business card to contact me if I ruined his suit. Well he contacted me a few days later, not to pay for his dry cleaning but to ask me to dinner. I said yes. He still hasn't gotten that suit cleaned..he likes to say it is our very first memory.


So which one (or ones) is it? How did Mark and I really meet?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Chubby" isn't a good look for me


I've become obsessed lately with something that I swore I would never obsess over....my weight!! Ahhh....the torture of it all. I've become the girl that has ALWAYS gotten on my nerves. You know the girl that is skinny, yet, she is the one that is doing the "detox" or going to Walgreens in the middle of the night to buy Hoodia, Slimfast, Hydroxicut, CLA pills, colon cleansers (no, I haven't reached that level of desperation...yet).


As some of you know, I went to college a cute petite and athletic 110 lb girl and came home for Thanksgiving sporting much more than the "freshman 15". Those late night stops at Steak and Shake and cheap beer went pretty much straight to my arse (and cheeks, arms, legs, stomach etc). I even got what I like to call the 'double butt' - you know that little roll of fat right below your butt that makes it kind of look like you have 4 butt cheeks??


So, I tried the No Carb diet...no such luck. Living off of hot dog weenies and string cheese lasted about a week and I think I actually gained a pound or two on it. So then I decided to start eating salads-which didn't work with my extreme love and devotion for ranch dressing and the unfortunate fact that ranch has more fat grams than an entire tub of lard. I think my mother was more devastated about my weight gain then I was. "You just need to come home" she would say "Dallas is just NOT healthy for you". Even though I tried I just couldn't get all the weight off. I lost a little (not much) and settled into a weight I wasn't happy with. Getting sick and getting use to it, I stayed that way. Looking back now, I realize how much it truly affected me...my self esteem, my self image, my health and most of all-- my hotness. This may sound vain, but I didn't understand why I didn't turn men's head in a room like I use to...and in a shallow way, it kind of hurt.


So last year I FINALLY found a diet that worked for me. A secret diet remedy that took off all that extra weight and kept it off. The diet is called "divorce" or you can get the generic version which is known as "depression". WOW. In a matter of a couple of months I lost 20 pounds. It was an overnight sensation. Divorce was bad...really bad, but you should always look for the good that comes out of bad. For me it was, self-awareness, forgiveness and a "Bad-A" new bod.


Well, so why am I worried about weight now? Well, I'm happy now! I truly am. I am so happy and content and excited about my life and my future. And with that happiness.....I have gained (gulp) 7 lbs back. 7 lbs??? Seriously, is it that big of a deal? The answer is no...and yet, I find myself obsessing about that weight. Getting on the scale everyday to see if its gone up and wishing that I could go on the T.V. show Survivor so I would be forced to loose weight.


I need to take a chill-pill (I wonder if they have dietary chill-pills???) and relax but the thing is....chubby just ain't a good look for me!


Side Note: I can guarantee that I will be getting a phone call from my mother, freaking out, asking me if I am taking diet pills or being "unhealthy". :) Gotta love those moms!

Friday, February 6, 2009

My Confessions

Forgive me friends, for I have sinned. Well, these may or may not be actual sins, but social sins none the less. We all have our little "quirks" or everyday secrets that make us quietly think "I hope nobody saw that" or "I would die if someone knew I did that". The catholics have one up on us Baptist with this Confession thing they have going on. You air out your dirty little secrets, put it out in the open...no matter how ugly it may seem, in order to have a sense of peace. WEll....this isn't going to give me a sense of tranquility, but heck...it might make you laugh. Enjoy!

I confess:

  • I toss the dryer lint behind the machine out of sight, instead of walking a few steps to throw it away in the trash.
  • I usually dont change my jeans after my dog has peed on the pant leg.
  • I buy at least one tabloid magazine a week
  • I'll go weeks at a time using shampoo for soap, or condition for shaving cream or bubble bath for shampoo etc. etc if I run out of something.
  • I own and have worn Spanx
  • I have terribly stinky feet
  • If I go into a restroom and see someone I know come out of a stall, I go into that one a.) because I would rather share butt-cheek germs with someone I know rather than a stranger and b.) I think its funny if someone's gone "big potty" to embarass them a little because they now know that I know what just went on in there.
  • I am in no way, shape or form an enviromentalist, but I'm such a trend follower that in some groups I pretend like I care about hybrids or recyling, yada yada blah blah....
  • You know those people you see in Wal-mart at 2 in the morning? Some of those folks are probably a part of my extended family.
  • I still believe that one day I might be famous
  • Once or twice I have washed the entire outside of my car using the little squeegie attached to the gas pump.
  • I still have a hard time staying awake for the entire church service and I still doodle little hearts and flowers on the bulletin.
  • Popping zits is one of my favorite nightly routines.
  • If the food doesn't come from a freezer bag, a can or a box...I probably wont be cooking it.
  • I have a tendency to be critical...something I really need to work on.
  • I dont really mind watching football, but I profess to hating it that way I don't have to watch every single game that comes on and when I do watch it my man appriciates my "sacrifice". (Sorry babe!)
  • I know this is weird, but I kind of believe that the moon has some weird connection with womanhood and the best cure for cramps is standing in moonlight. (I'm a weirdo).
  • I haven't had my teeth cleaned by a dentist in 3 years.

Well that's enough for now. What's your confession?