Ahhhh....The Bachelor: giving me warm fuzzies and an over active gag-reflux all in the same two hour slot.
My goal was to update my Bachelor recap weekly but I got busy with the whole "getting married" thing that wasn't NEARLY as important as The Bachelor but I flubbed. Sorry folks. Now, all I can do is try to make it up to you by continuing to embarrass myself by allowing you into my sometimes awkward and inappropriate daily life, never leaving out the slightest details of my boob problems (sorry Mom), egocentric behavior or crude bathroom humor.
Okay, now back to that cheeseball Jake and his cute little winos who give the best drunk commentary whilst crying in the back of a limo.
So, this week we had the final four left in competing over the heart and affection of our beloved bachelor, Jake. Unfortunately for Corey, the girl who did a great imitation of a glacier,got booted off the show and did not get to take Jake to meet her family.
Gia, world's most insecure swimsuit model, started off the home visits by introducing Jake to her, tarot card reading mom and Guido from Jersey Shore, brother. I think Gia is super cute, but what's up the the band-aid on her finger that has been there for the past six weeks. I really want to know what it is she is hiding under there. Is it a wart? A really gross wart? Does it carry the HPV virus?
There's no point talking about Ally because she left to go "back to work" and acted like she was having to choose whether or not to take her grandma off of life support. Jake's reaction was slightly pathetic and I would have thought he had just witnessed Travis shooting Old Yeller.
Tenely, is cute and I like her but sorry.....she ain't gonna win. And her dancing to the WEDDING MARCH was a little much. My husband, (love saying that) is so dedicated to his wife that he watches the Bachelor, too! (Sorry honey for telling the world your dirty little secret). The whole time Tenely was dancing Mark couldn't watch...it made him feel really awkward.
Vienna's dad CRACKED ME UP. I swear I've seen him on Dateline NBC "To Catch a Predator". Although, Vienna isn't my favorite (Tenely is) she doesn't make me foam at the mouth and act like a rabid dog like she does to the rest of you. She reminds me of a barbie doll. You know the one you took out all your anger and aggression out on. You dismember her, cut her hair and squeeze her rubber face. Then you get sad and attempt to put her back together again. And no matter how hard you try, she looks just a little....off. That's Vienna. And I think she looks like she taste like hairspray. I just hope my hair extensions don't look that bad..Fingers crossed.
So what's my prediction? Tenely will be the next to go only because Jake will want to spend the night in the fantasy suite with GIA....so he can discover what she is hiding under her band-aid, of course. That will leave Vienna and Gia. Winner...drum roll please....Vienna. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm right! YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.