Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Confessions of a Step-mom: Part 1


They are awesome kids. What's not to love? I began to fall in love with them soon after I fell in love with their Dad. Even though I loved them, I could tell their Dad loved them differently. I chalked it up to be that he was their father and I was just their Dad's girlfriend. After a wonderful courtship between not only Mark and I, but the kids and I, the relationship grew strong. When their dad asked me to marry him, with their permission of course, I fell in love with them even more. It was almost as if knowing that one day soon I would have a mom title, gave me a sense of responsibility that added even more towards my feelings for them.

I figured the minute Mark and I said "I do", this magical moment would happen where I would become this instant "super mom". It made my heart swell in knowing that they were my children now. I loved them so much. But still......something was different between how I loved them v.s. how their father loved them. Secretly, I became down on myself because I wanted to be one of those step moms who with confidence says, "I love my step kids just as much as I love my own children". Mark's love for them was still different, so I figured I either a.) didn't have the capacity to love any child as much as he did or b.) I didn't love them like I would love my own child.

Last night, as we were putting the kids to bed, we all climbed up in the bed to read a book. As I was lying there, my step-daugther, although slowly inching her way into the pre-teen years with training bras, Ed Hardy shoes and notes to boys, snuggled up beside me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her arms around me. As I rubbed her back, I was overcome with a wave of emotion. I was so in love with her. In that moment I would have done anything to make her happy. I would have cut off my hair and dyed it.....brown! (Oh the horror!). I would have traded in my car for a Ford Taurus if only to please her. I would have given up Diet Coke for good, to make her happy. Designer purses, who needs them?! I would have worn a fanny pack so long as it made her smile.

I had an epiphany, if you will. These precious children are slowly but surely chipping away at my selfish shell. It's not that I don't love them, it's just being a parent takes every bone of selfishness you have in your body and breaks it, no matter how painful it may be. Not all my selfish bones have been broken yet.

My confession is, sometimes you want to be selfish and you cling on to that with every fiber of your being. On grumpy mornings I don't want to share share my bathroom and my sink with two children that have their own bathroom and their own sink to brush their teeth in a get sticky toothpaste everywhere. On Saturday mornings, I want to watch HGTV not, I-Carly, On Deck with Zach and Cody or any other Disney channel repeat.

But, when you hold those snuggle bunnies in your arms and they smell as good as a puppy, (unless they just pulled off their shoes, or farted and blamed it on the dog, or smell like a mixture mud and fertilizer) you realize that the parent/child relationship is such a symbolism of our relationship with God. He gives us children so we can get a slight glimpse into how unselfishly he loves us.

Slowly but surely these children are chipping away my selfishness. With time, I will be putty in their hands. They will learn how to wrap me around their little fingers, like they have their father and we will spend every night at Dave and Buster's, eating pizza and winning stuffed animals. Julia will become a teenager and end up with every nice piece of clothing I possesssed stuffed in the back of her closet because I think, she looks better in it anyways. They will trick me into doing their homework for them. When they get in trouble, I'll give them the look of , don't worry I'll go talk to your dad. Mitch will end up having a nicer car than me because I've convinced his father that, he deserves it. Oh my goodness, I can see it now.....

4 comments:

Kimberly said...

oh that was a nice post! You sound like a great step-mom!!!

Katie said...

i L-O-V-E-D my step mom. I thought she was the COOLEST thing since sliced bread and wanted to be JUST like her. I can see this happening with Julia. It sounds like she already adores you. And Mitch's friends (when he gets to the right age) will just think you're hot. That's what my brother's friends thought of my step-mom. My dad and step-mom aren't even married anymore and I still think of her as my step-mom and love her just as much. We email frequently (she lives in a different state) You're going to do GREAT, just leave it where it needs to be. In God's hands.

kswann said...

You SWEET thing JeGar!!!!! I love you and you are WAAAAYYYYY softer than you want us to believe...but that can still be our secret! ;0P
XOXO

lkl creations said...

what a sweet post....love reading your blog!