Monday, March 8, 2010

Family Camp?!??!

This winter has been Hell. Well, not really Hell because that would be a fiery pit with gnashing teeth and stuff. BUT, if I had my own personal hell it wouldn't be hot; it would be the Winter of 2009 and me in a bikini stuck in front of a T.V. that only played repeats of Battlestar Gallatica.

As I gazed out my window and dream, like Chevy Chase did in "Christmas Vacation", I can almost visualize my summer filled with swimming pools, laughing children, hot dogs and relaxation. Buckethead and I decided to start early on planning our family vacation of the summer. My first thought was a cruise. It would be PERFECT. All inclusive, so much on the boat for the kiddos to do, a nice little sunbathing deck for Queen Stepmommy and a CASINO for after hours (My eyes just popped out and turned into dollar signs). It would be a dream vacation....

Buckethead, has different plans.

BH: I think we should go to family camp.

ME: Family....whah??

BH: You know, Family Camp. Church camp, like you did as a kid.

Like I did as a kid, huh? DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAMP DID TO ME AS A KID??? (FYI, this entire paragraph deserves all caps) CAMP RUINED ME! IT WAS THE DEMISE OF LITTLE JEN PORTER AS A KID. YEAR AFTER YEAR I WOULD TRY AGAIN, YET STILL....CAMP WOULD EAT ME ALIVE, I TELL YOU! EAT ME ALIVE!!!

Summer camp has always been a traumatic experience for me. Don't believe me? Here's a few examples:

4th grade- GA camp: My camp counselor had a bag of candy under her bed and I was hungry so I took a piece. I was accused of "stealing" and had to call my mom and go to the chapel and pray for forgiveness. When I prayed I was like, Sorry God I was hungry and ate some candy but what I'm really sorry for it putting sand and rubbing my dirty socks in the counselor's bed as revenge for embarrassing me in front of everyone.

5th grade- Pre-teen camp: I tipped my canoe in front of the cool boys and the life guards swam out to the middle of the lake to rescue me. I tried to tell them I was fine, but they followed "protocol" and basically put me in a head lock and swam me back to the shore.

7th grade-Youth camp: I was made fun of for not having any boobs by some of the older kids. So, I thought I was being smart and stuffed my bra that night for service. I was then made fun of for stuffing my bra for the church service. My mom came and got me half-way through the camp...I was too mortified to stay the rest of the trip.

11th grade-Youth camp: I followed my high school sweetheart to a pentecostal church camp, where he basically dumped me half-way through the camp for a tongue talking, holy-rolling, one-piece bath suiting wearing floozy (she wasn't really a floozy but it's MY story). Heartbroken and mortified, I had to spend the rest of the week watching my boyfriend and his floozy getting chummy at the alter call every night.

And on top of all those experiences, I am ALSO accidental prone and allergic to the outdoors. I hate to damage my families expectations, but me and "horseback riding" don't mix. If this is the vacation we will be taking, I need to start taking Calcium supplements to strengthen my bones for when I crash and burn from attempting to mountain bike or try the rope swing or walk in a straight line....ANY of these activities have the potential to be quite damaging to my body.

Any time with my family will be a great time, but keep your fingers crossed for me that the Cruise lines come up with some FANTASTIC offer that is too good to pass up. Otherwise, this summer I might be off the blog awhile due to being in a full-body cast or something....

3 comments:

Kimberly said...

Fun post! made me smile! :>)

Mom said...

Jen, I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my cheeks. For all you doubters, these sad stories are ALL true! And, Jen IS allergic to the outdoors. Be sure to take your epi pen, Jen. And call me if I need to come pick you up like I did the last time you went to camp. I hope it's not too far for me to drive. Have a great time, love.

Katie said...

dying laughing. literally. dying. hu-larious.