Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Law & Order: Special Bathrooms Unit
I've been conducting my very own investigation at work to find out who's peeing all over the toilet seat. It's driving me bonkers! To all you "toilet squaters" out there: Listen, I know you think your toosh is too special to sit on a public toilet, even if there are provided seat protectors and THAT'S FINE. But, do us all a favor and WIPE THE DANG SEAT. Gawhh! Seriously, women. You're worst than a man. Have we resorted to become like the gender we stole a rib from and feel the need to start marking our territory?
Before you roll your eyes and think I'm overreacting, stop right there. This is not just a little dribble, dribble that accidentally left a drop or two on the toilet seat lid. This is full-blown puddles of nasty nastyness not only on the toilet seat but on the floor.....on the back of the toilet, on the "feminine napkin disposal" and not just once....EVERYDAY. It's actually quite hard to fathom how anyone without an aimer could do this.....which brought me to my first hypothesis:
My first thought was someone with an "aimer" a.k.a. a whittle "boy part" could only cause this kind of mess. So I started to think maybe a man was sneaking into the women's restroom and sabotaging the place because he was jealous that we have scented candles and a candy dispenser in our bathroom (boys, that ain't no candy dispenser). As I was nearing this conclusion and getting ready camp outside the restroom and scissor kick the first guy that got near it, I found a clue that has pointed me in the complete opposite direction.
What is this clue, you may ask? Rubber Tread Marks. Yes, rubber tread marks on the toilet seat with the pee everywhere. How does rubber tread marks get on a toilet??? By, rubber soled SHOES of course. This toosh protecting, toilet squater has taken it to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL! My new hypothesis is that some psycho woman is STANDING, I repeat, STANDING on the toilet seat to pee! I'm sorry but this is insane and deserves corporal punishment to the tenth degree, followed by 20 lashes, no T.V. for a week,being sent to bed on an empty stomach and every other horrible punishment there is!
I'm going to find the culprit. This is my new goal and won't stop believing....I'll hold onto that feeling...yeah...oh wait, that's a song.... Nothing can stop me now, I've already started checking people's shoes for rubber soles.
I will find you.