Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Ex-Wife

Well, maybe she's not my ex-wife, but she is Mark's and that's close enough, right?

Through this blog I've had met and spoken with many women that are in similar situations as me. Whether the similarity be cannon balling into motherhood by becoming a step-mom; convincing your friends that your new and older husband is not going through a mid-life crisis even though he's grown a mustache, gotten an earring and all he needs is a parrot to have the striking resemblance of a pirate; or being the second wife of the man you love and learning how and where you make it all fit.

It amazing the amount of women in one of these clubs. You will find endless blogs, websites and advice columns talking about these things. I think we have a longing to find people that can relate to and understand our daily lives. Many of the situations I've read about, I can easily relate to them. But, I have noticed a huge difference between my situation verses the many women who have reached out to me to tell me their story or give me a piece of advice. This difference is, how we feel about our husband's ex spouse.

Call me lucky but, I have a great relationship with EW(ex-wife). She's funny, smart, beautiful and a great mom. Sure, there are things I could stew in, like many of you (child support, the past relationship with the hubs etc) but why do that? I PROMISE you ladies, it is so much better than running around bitter calling your husband's ex a "vindictive sack of silicone". But, to have this kind of relationship with his ex, it has to begin with your husband. He has to establish a good relationship with the EW for you to have a good relationship with her. Don't be jealous and say things like, "I don't want you talking to that woman that has so much collagen in her lips it looks like she got stuck in a pool drain". REALITY CHECK: If they've got kids together....they gotta talk! They have a responsibility to parent their children. Just because they got a divorce, doesn't give them a free ticket to be an out-of-touch, self-absorbed parent.

For the sake of your step-kids, your husband and Pete's sake, YOUR SANITY, encourage a healthy relationship between the two of them. No, a healthy relationship is not giving each other back rubs because they "know" the spot where he carries his stress. I would go all crazy little dog territorial on a situation like that, but a strong parenting relationship that is not harsh and abrasive is needed. But your husband needs to know it's okay with you to have a relationship with his ex. And if they have a good relationship, your relationship with the EW will blossom and may just even turn into what I have, a true friendship.

Kids are smart. Have you ever had them ask you, "Are you and mommy friends"? I'm assuming the answer is "yes". See, they crave for the two most important women figures in their lives to care for each other. That way they don't feel like they are caught in the middle and constantly having to choose a side.

Yes, divorce isn't ideal and it doesn't seem fair to have to "share" your husband. But, do a google search and you will see just how common these type of life situations are. I know I'm not the all knowing Second Wife of the year, (although I do love getting trophies and will be happy to give you my address if you want to send me one .just have it say 1st Place on it .that's very important) but I thought I would share what works for my family and how easy it has been. It makes me sad to read your stories about the struggle you go through in your situations when it truly doesn't have to be that way. It is actually possible to have a great co-parenting relationship.

Then you wouldn't have to drown your sorrows by drink the entire alcohol consumption of Motely Crue. That would be a GOOD thing!

1 comment:

Katie said...

LOVE this. being a child of divorced and remarried with a 2nd set of kids parents, you are SO spot on! i LOVED my step-mom (still do and she and my dad aren't even married still) and we have a relationship that will NEVER change :)

you are a wonderful (from what i can tell in blog-world) step-mother pretty girl :)