Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Let's Talk About S-E-X

Did that title get your attention?

I feel like I should start with a *disclosure* statement and let you know - the following blog will contain adult content and should not be read by people under the age of 18 or over the age of 65, my dad, my grandad, readers who call me highly inappropriate, and people who pretend they don't have sex and that their children were dropped off on their door step by a stork in a striped conductors hat.

I have a 5th grade step-daughter who's entering the final few weeks of school. The school will begin preparing them for Junior High and what to expect so they are not blind sided when they walk through those nerve-racking doors in a few months. Does anyone know what that means???


Gulp! In a matter of days my sweet, innocent, secretly still likes to play with Barbies step-daughter will learn about erections, wieners, wet-dreams, periods and intercourse.

I'm so nervous for her! I don't know about you, but I found the penis to be absolutely terrifying! The memories of sitting in our gym watching a video of a cartoon penis ejaculate still haunts me. After the video, I sat there perplex and thought...does SEX mean a man pees in you? I just didn't get it! It was gross and told my friends "I will NEVER, EVER, EVER enjoy that" (Side note: I WAS WROOOONNNNGGG!)

Buckethead has been locked up crying in the bathroom. I shoved a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juice box through the space under the door in hopes he would eat something. I told Buckethead to not be naive; our little innocent baby girl, knows more than we think. After all, she thinks Edward, the Vampire from Twilight is HOOTTT. Along with Justin Beiber and the Jonas Brothers. I'm sure her and her friends are starting to talk about boys and figure things out.

But, the notion that she will have a visual of the male anatomy and what will happen to a boy when you stand too close to him at the end of the year dance party, somehow draws an end to a certain stage of innocence she won't get back.

Now don't get me wrong, I think she should watch the video. 5th grade is the time to do it, otherwise she will get all her get the "facts" from her peers and it may not be the "facts" you want her to believe. That being said, I think it's our job in her home to prepare her for the video so she doesn't try to poke out her eyes in horror. I know some parents were upset because the video doesn't teach abstinence but that's the parent's job not the schools. The school is simply giving the facts. The parent's have to teach the kid the right and wrong way to handle what they have just learned.

My mom did a great job when it came to teaching me about sex. Unfortunately, it was earlier than 5th grade as I had an intense curiosity about the anatomy text book that was up in our attic. She taught me that sex wasn't a bad word or a bad thing, it was just private between a mommy and a daddy. I remember going to my 3rd grade class and telling them that, "Sex is a beautiful thing for our parents".

I got laughed at. Andrew Classuand pointed his big pudgy finger coated in chocolate in my face and yelled "JENNIFER LIKES SEX". I ran to the bathroom and cried. I did voo-doo on him with a Ken doll when I got home from school and called him a lint licker.

One of the things I love the most about my relationship with my step-daughter is that she confides in me. She'll tell me something private, ask me not to tell anyone and I keep my promise. I know that she will come and talk to me about the sex video and I will start to perspire and say ummm and like a lot. I will try to think of other words to use instead of penis, such as boy parts, tee-tee, wienie and tallywacker. I'll try to keep reverting the conversation to maxi pads and periods but never the less, it will come back to the question, "What do boys think about that gives them wet dreams" and I will look up to Heaven and say "You Created it God so why didn't you add a Sex education chapter to the Bible"? I mean I guess I could always go to the Song of Solomon and read about the breast being like two mountains of lilies that the man "feedeth" in.....but I'm afraid that would creep her out even more.

So any suggestions? Thoughts, advice, or opinions? Do you have the perfect thing I should say when the questions are brought up? Can you give my step-daughter and I an Oprah moment?


Kelly Marie said...

Good luck!! I am already thinking about what I will tell my non-existent daughter, so let me know what road you choose!

C:M:W said...

I dont have answers for you but I wanted to tell you that I love that you are a mom and that you are thinking about this. She is lucky to have you Jen Jen!

Grimes Life said...

Oh Jen, I am glad you are doing this all before me so you can tell me what to do! This post had me laughing so hard i think i had a few contractions! :) Good Luck and let me know how it goes! Love you dear and all your stories!

Ashley said...

Hey girl - first of all, I'm so sorry that I couldn't make it to the shower on Saturday. Second of all - your post just cracked me up - not because of the subject matter...mainly because of the disclosure at the beginning! And I totally agree with Corey...Julia is so lucky to have you!

The McCoys said...

I have been a "secret" reader for a while now, I really love your whitty blog! ha! I went to DBU but we didn't ever really know each other...

Anyway, I am a 5th grade teacher at a public school and if it is the same one they show at our school...it really just tells about the girl's end of the deal...periods, getting boobs, etc. It does talk about getting pregnant but doesn't go into how that happens. So, ultimately she'll figure it out through you guys and her friends. Most of them just want to know when they get boobs, I probably had 5 girls ask that question specifically! ha! Good Luck!

R said...

1st I just want to cheer for your statement that parents need to teach the whole abstinance thing and let the school teach the facts. Thank you!

2nd...good luck! I am nowhere near the sex talk with kids stage of my life and just thinking about it is enough to make me cross my legs and try to keep them that way!