Monday, June 14, 2010

Guest Blog from Buckethead: Black Men Can't Swim

*The views and opinions below are not mine, just of the man that I share a bed with. If you are offended....don't be. If you want to stab me in in the face with a that negative energy to my husband; I'll give you his address.

Okay okay -- before you get all up in arms and call the EEOC, ACORN, NAACP, or Kayne West, let me explain the title to this blog. "Black Guys Can't Swim" is in response to the movie "White Men Can't Jump." I figured we've come far enough in our country that FINALLY we can start making fun of each other again without offending, taking ourselves too seriously, or fearing violation of 'political correctness.' In fact, I think what our country needs is a little 'political in-correctness.'
My trouble with political correctness is that it takes some of the fun out of life. IMHO, Political Correctness is based on a flawed assumption: everyone’s feelings matter. Why is this a flawed assumption? Because it fails to take into account one very simple and all-too-true concept: some people are just too sensitive. Sometimes, you just have to learn to deal with it, and not expect the rest of the world to change for you. Some people get as mad as a midget with a yo-yo (see?? how else could I have said that? a little person with a yo-yo? just doesn't work...) for the silliest of reasons. Before I move on, I need to state a few caveats: (1.) racism is always wrong. Always. (2.) Offensive and ludeness are contrary to the teaching's of our Savior Jesus (and I didn't mean "Hey-Suess" -- the hispanic guy), and (3.) inability to laugh at ourselves means we take ourselves way too seriously and means we are, eh-hem, self-centered. Anyway, forgive me -- I'm wandering like a blonde girl in a spelling-bee. My point: Ease up America! Let's laugh at each other. When you laugh at each other, walls break down, moods are lifted, and real discussions can begin to understand each other and get rid of long-standing stereotypes or racisms.
The other day, I was in an all-hands meeting at work. I work for a Chinese company. The presenter, a man from China, was explaining our failures with a certain customer. His summary to our CEO? "We need more white-face at customer." What do you think I did? Call HR? File a complaint? Run up and punch him in his Xiang-Li-Dong?? No, I hollered "Amen Yella Fella!!" We all laughed a good hearty laugh and even our VP of HR told me in my exit interview that although I was being fired for my comment, he appreciated the levity it brought to our meeting and that I was a genuinely funny guy. Okay -- I wasn't fired but I also wasn't offended. I rolled with it, laughed, and tried to get his name right (do you know how Chinese parents name their kids? They stand at the top of the stairs, throw silverware down the stairs, and whatever sound it makes is their kids name! Ping! Ding! Chang! Dong! Ling! Xiang!).
I know certain words in my vocabulary may be politically incorrect. Like "GAY" -- I'm sure I over-use that word. But listen -- when I say something is 'gay' it doesn't mean I'm slamming homosexuals - but how else do you expect me to describe a fanny pack? They're gay'!! How else do you describe Ricky Martin? (well, actually, he really IS gay!)
Wake up America -- the Brits have been politically incorrect for decades, and they are hysterical. The gave us "The Office" and Monty Python and Simon Cowell and Mr. Bean and BP oil spills (okay, at least two of those are not very funny). Wake up America -- there's a black man running our country!! I think that is amazing! We have really progressed as a socitety!! (The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance. Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama? A. E = MC Hammer).
No? Not good? Then make fun of me -- I don't care. I'm a white cracker (well, if you aren't white you can call me "Cracka" but not "Cracker" because only fellow whites can call me "Crack-er"). Here's another: I'm (mostly) Baptist -- There are three truths in life: Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two? A: Invite one, he`ll drink all your beer. Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!
One more problem with Political Correctedness -- it takes away from the real problem. Examples:
A Criminal - unsavory character
A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged
Abortion - Near-Life Experience
Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist
Assassination - involuntary term limitation
Bald - comb-free
Bald - folically independent
Bald - follicularly challenged.
Blind - optically darker
Blind - photonically non-receptive
Blind - visually challenged
Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.
Crime Rate - street activity index
Dead - Actuarially Mature
Dead - living impaired
Dead - metabolically challenged
Dead - persons living with entropy
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Fail - achieve a deficiency.
Fat - Differently Weighted
Fat - gravitationally challenged
Fat - horizontally challenged.
Fat - horizontally gifted
Fat - People of Mass
Fat - person of substance
Well, you get the point. Guess what? Sometimes we need to be convicted so that we can change. And guess what? Conviction isn't always politically correct! Stealing and robbing are wrong -- but when we lessen them and call the acts "health care reform" (okay, I couldn't resist)....just joking ... when we call a Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist -- we've gone too far. Call things like they are -- so that real change can be produced in a person's life.
So, I say, don't take yourselves so seriously America. And I'm now shopping my screenplay to my future blockbuster: "Black Guys Can't Swim." I promise, it won't be offensive to black people because I'll get one of the Wayman brothers to star in the film. Oh wait - that IS offensive to black people.

{information provided by}

post signature


Sole Matters said...

hahaha I was dying laughing at all those jokes! My fav? how Chinese people name their kids. LOVE IT!

Aly @ Analyze This said...

OMG!! Your hubby is hilarious! Heck, you both are! Loved the story about the China CEO!

Have a great day! Thanks for the laugh...I needed it! :)

Katie said...

awesomeness buckethead, awesomeness. cheers baptist cracker.

Tamara Nicole said...

LMAO! I'm so glad I rolled upon your blog. Funny funny! Yes I agree it's time for us all to just get along and be fair on both sides. Love it!

Tiffany said...

OH my gosh...hysterical!

R said...

I loved this! At the risk of aging your husband, my father has said the same or similar things my whole life.

R said...

Oh and I hope you don't mind, I posted a blog today with the link to this one on it because I just couldn't help but share!