Friday, October 8, 2010

Guest Blogger, Buckethead: What I Know about Women

What I know about Women….

I used to joke that I was going to write a book, a large coffee table book, entitled, “What I Know About Women.” It was going to be a big, thick, beautifully bound book. But, on the inside, there were only blank pages. Page after page of blankness. Nothing. Except for the middle page – there’d be a drawing of….uhem….uhh….a lady’s mysterious body parts. That’s it. Nothing more.

Yep, that sums up what I know about women. 200 pages of nothing – except a hoo-hah. Nothing more. That’s all I know about women.

Hold on a second -- I need to set the stage. Most of you on here only know a little about me from the excerpts of my guest-blogging or from JPo’s random comments. You don’t have the full picture, so here are some things about me you should know:

  • I’m well-rounded. I play guitar, piano, basketball, mountain climb, read those book thingy’s, and can win most games of “Scene-it!” (except the “New Moon” edition).
  • I’m rather educated – as demonstrated by the fact I just used “rather” in a sentence.
  • I’m accomplished – I’ve managed to succeed in the business world for 17 years now despite the fact that no one seems to question me on my claim that I invented the semi-colon.
  • I have a mom, sister, daughter, ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, and one incredible woman of a wife à therefore I do have a context of women. Plus, I’ve seen Beaches, Steel Magnolias, She’s Having a Baby, My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Notebook, and several movies with Hugh Grant. I’m qualified.

Yet despite all my qualification, you gals are such a mystery. A quandary. A cornucopia of constant confusion, chaos, change, emotions, estrogen, contradiction of terms, and complexity. There is nothing in the world more fragile than an unbreakable woman; they are born able to read minds and in all of it women are all so glorious and beautiful and we can’t stop (why we wouldn’t ever want to stop) falling in love with them.

I’ve been married to JPo for 9 months now, and with her a total of 26 months (when you hit 2 & ½ years, you no longer count in months…). So, I’m starting to learn a great deal about women. For instance, I now know:

(1.) Temporary insanity is real. Really REAL!! From what I’ve seen, women seriously could be acquitted of any crime if it’s that time of the month. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken. I feel sorry for what you women go through – I truly do. Bloating, cycle, roller coaster emotions, pain, cramping, discomfort – and that’s just when you miss a shoe sale at Nordstrom’s!! But menstruation? Terrible. I think God invented the monthly thing with women so we men don’t get too comfortable and complacent with our women, thinking we’ve got this ‘relationship’ thing figured out. Because just when you think, “oh man, she digs me – I’ve got this relationship on cruise control, “ BAM!!! She stabs you in the throat with a table lamp because your tone was off when you asked her, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” It keeps us on our toes, sleeping with one eye open.
(2.) You deal with stress differently than us men. Take this for example: I’ve had a really hard week at work, my car is in the shop, and I’m feeling blue. I call up my guy friends and say, “Rick, Jeff, Chris – look, it’s been a hard week and tonight I want it to be just us guys and I need to dance. I just need me and my boys, no girls, and I just want to dance everything out of my system and let my cares be swept away to the rhythm of the night and some cosmopolitans. Rick, what are you going to wear? Can I borrow that Dickies pant-suit? No, the hunter green one you wore last week at the deer lease. Let me take a soak in the tub and I’ll meet you at the club at 9pm.” Yeah. That will never happen. No, I would go on the patio, drink a beer, and stare at the fountain in the pool. Or maybe I’d play a violent fighting game on the Wii. Or go for a run, lift some weights, or punch a kitten. But the difference is this: women vent in packs à men most often vent solo, if at all. But, I will say this – man’s failure to properly vent more often than not results in us taking it out on you women. You are much better at this than we are – maybe you are on to something…where are my Dickies???
(3.) Girls are like nun chucks: they are awesome! But when u mess up it hurts ...a lot. You girls are smart. Men can be mean – up-front, full head-on, nothing surprising or hidden in our attack. Blunt, rude, un-thoughtful, and cruel. Ruthless and terrible in our ‘shock-and-awe’ way in which we attack our women. We wound with our words like a dull instrument. But women? You are like Navy Seals or Special Forces – you can sneak up, lay down a line of nuclear bombs, and be gone before we can even utter, “Did you hear something??” If more men would realize that a woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon, then we’d be on our best behavior a lot more often. Men are not wise to pick fights with women. Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. A woman is like a tea bag - she only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Those are just some of my thoughts. To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse. But in conclusion I always come back to this: I love my woman. All of her. She is complex, passionate, crazy at times, funny, a hot mess, frustrating, and intoxicating. Life would be so boring without her. I think God knew what he was doing when He made women – especially my woman. I think that man is not a perfect picture of God. Neither is woman. Together, the unique attributes of both man AND woman combined represents the best picture of who our God is. Wild, but logical. Passionate, but constrained. Fierce, but gentle. Loyal, yet jealous. Just, but forgiving. This is how God intended it to be – and why He wanted Adam and Eve together in the first place – so we would know a little bit more about His love for us. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good -- luckily, this is not too difficult (for women). So, I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out women, or even my woman, but I have figured out this: I love my woman and for any short-coming or complexity or challenge or craziness I’ve articulated, I’m beyond certain it’s all due, in part, to something I’ve done. It’s all man’s fault. See? I guess I really have figured out women!!

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Anonymous said...

Buckethead, you're ALMOST as funny as your wife!

Design Apprentice said...

Wow. Buckethead, you have a phenomenal way with words. I would absolutely love love love to double date with you two, I imagine the wit pours out and the laughs don't stop.

This piece on women is dead on accurate. I've never heard the expression "Not knowing their strength until put in hot water", but this is beyond true.

Hope you love birds have an incredible weekend!

*Amanda said...

Well said Buckethead. Well said!

Aly @ Analyze This said...

Can BH be my therapist?! I'm serious....

Haha ... good post :) You have a wonderful way with words ... and thoughts!

kswann said...

Dear BH..I'm just taking a guess, but I don't think your so called "Jef" buddy, knows too much about women either..just sayin'. XO