Sunday, December 12, 2010

My Christmas List

Santa Baby,

In contemplating what you will be placing under my Christmas Tree this year, please remember that I am by far the most well-behaved housewife in suburbia. Although you and I both know that isn't saying much, it should count for something, right? Don't think I didn't notice Mrs. Hoochie Britches in her new Mercedes Benz driving past me while I was shoving my dog's warm feces into a plastic bag. If she deserves that, I must be getting a space ship. I mean, I scoop my dog's poop from the neighbor's yard and she hits on everyones husband--I'm clearly the better candidate. Clearly.

Santa Baby listen, I know you're busy. I mean flying across the world in one night. You're not even on first class with the warmed nuts and fuzzy socks--your job ain't easy. At the point, I'm sure Mrs. Clause is fed up with your cranky attitude and is suggesting counseling and a group reading of the "5 Love Languages". Too often, ladies of leisure don't appreciate the hard work of their husbands. I understand Santa, I truly do.

That being said, I want to make your trip to my house as easy as possible. I mean, as you can tell I put the need of others before my own. Not trying to be presumptuous, but I'm going to go ahead and attach my list below.

1.) A secret room like David Letterman's. But Santa remember, I'm an angel. I would use it for good, not for porking over-weight interns. I was thinking of possibly using it for a scrap-booking room or maybe a sauna. The possibilities are endless.


3.) Adoration from all of my Blog followers. I'm kind of like Tinkerbell; I have to have applause to live.


4.)The original Nintendo. We all know that Mario Brothers changes World's civilization for the better.

5.) A sonicare toothbrush. Not much explanation for that one. I just want to be cavity free.... see how responsible I am Santa?

6.) Please make all girls who post a solo picture of themselves in a bikini for their Facebook profile pictures disappear forever....or at least from my news feed.

7.) Edward Cullen--the vampire. Not to be mistaken by Robert Pattinson--the actor.

8.) A chain email that really will make my wildest dreams come true if I forward it to 10 other people.

Any additional items can come from Neimans or infomericals. Oh and Santa, don't forget my spaceship.

All my love,

post signature

11 comments:

buckethead said...

JPo - Santa's nuts ARE warm -- he wears long-johns.
- Buckethead

Ashley Paige said...

i freaking love you. this post was hilarious.. and i dont say that to very many people. after literally pulling a poop-covered babywipe from deep within sheepie's behind this morning, my loving husband storms into the house and declares, "santa better be bringing me a fucking rolex for this shit." little does he know... Budget Santa will be visiting us in the M household this year and he'll be lucky if he gets a Timex. Or.. maybe he knows something I don't in which case, I would like a maid, a nanny and little nip here and a little tuck there... oh.. and a solid night of good freakin' sleep. :)

Jess said...

I'm laughing my ass of at your husband's comment. OMG.

And I'm totally with you on the vampire/actor different. The vampire? Yum. The actor? Tad goofy.

You do have my adoration. And since I'm so awesome, you can count me as ALL your blog followers and cross that one off your list.

Aly @ Analyze This said...

When someone asks me "What person (dead or alive) would you want to have lunch with?" It would be you. This post was amazing! I love it!

Norseman said...

The original Mario Bros does change World Civilization, that is why I downloaded it to my Nintendo Wii.

JakePorter said...

What was number 2 on the list?

Design Apprentice said...

1. I love Bucketheads comment
2. I can only help with #3. I think I've said this before but I would love to Double Date with you and Buckethead. Good Jesus lovers with hysterical sense of humor? Love it.
3. Maybe if you figure out what in the world they just discovered in Cali Nasa will gift you a spaceship.

Ashley said...

1) Buckethead CRACKS me up!!!!!!
2) I want Edward Cullen, the vampire, too! Maybe the child I'm carrying could be half human half vampire...I can dream, right?
3) You just freakin' crack me up! You are definitely admired by your blog readers!

It feels like forever since I have seen you, so I hope ya'll are have a great holiday so far!

Impulsive Addict said...

Ok...so I follow both Jess and Aly (who suggested I read you) and I have to tell you that you are HI-LARIOUS! Why didn't I find you sooner? You're super sassy and I like that.

LOVE your list! Can we be friends? Kthanks.

Anonymous said...

We love you & Buckethead . . . and can't wait for your book to be published!!!

- Your State Fair Buddies S&A

JakePorter said...

I would still like to know what #2 on the list was.