Friday, May 28, 2010

Deep Thoughts with Jpo

Believe it or not, there are moments when I actually think about things deeper than what Britney Spears is up to, how many calories are in that Ding Dong and when my next bikini wax is. So, today I'm going to ponder the following deep question:

"Can you screw up the will of God?"

Buckethead and I were discussing this the other day and have yet to come up with a conclusion. Being divorced and now remarried, this question hits really close to home for me. My marriage to the Bucket, though not perfect, is the greatest blessing in my life. He is the cheese to my macaroni. I can't fathom the gift of Mark being from anyone other than God. My prayers that I would cry out to Jesus in those heart breaking, terrifying and lonely moments a few years ago, were answered when Buckethead was brought into my life. I'd like to believe that our marriage is "meant to be"; an answer to prayer. I mean, isn't that every little girls dream? To find and marry their soul mate? The one man that God made for them?

What I want to believe is that we have got to think pretty highly of ourselves to believe that we can screw up the will of God. I know that Mark's divorce and my divorce were not what God wanted for us, but being an Omnipotent God, didn't he already know this would be a part of our winding and struggling path we walk on as Christian and he knew that Mark and I would be together in the end?

You may think my theology is way off, and maybe it is. But, what I do know is that had I not gone through what I did in my first marriage and experiencing the heartbreak of divorce, I really don't think I would appreciate what I have now with Buckethead. If the divorce hadn't have happened, I wouldn't understand Grace. A forgiving God was so far from my grasp of understanding, until I saw his forgiveness cover my darkest sin.

So does God allow the sin and hurt in your life to happen for his will to be fulfilled or can we truly screw up the will God has for our lives? After we fail, do we have to live out the rest of our Earthly lives in a life that was not intended for us? Or, does it sometimes take falling flat on your face to truly rise up to who you are meant to be?

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

More Wedding Pics (too pretty not to share)













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My T.V. Life

Just moments after Jack Bauer walked out of my life forever, in walked Ally for the new Season of "The Bachelorette". Because I'm pathetic like this, I will spend the next 8 weeks obessing over this reality show; a reality in where a guy who makes 30k yearly will be able to pursue Ally with Hellicopter rides, fine dining and lots of hottub action surrounded by a camera crew. If not's not an accurate portrayal of dating, then I don't know what is!

If I were Ally, I would fire my wardrobe consultant because her dress made her look like Liza Minnelli after eating a pan of Canollis. It was an awful selection. It made Lady Gaga look like she was dressed in Channel. And was her hair green?If I recall correctly, Ally made fun of Veinna last season for having hair extensions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there was about 5 packs of a Swedish woman's hair fused into that head of hers.

Although I found Ally rude and winy last season, I'm willing to give her another chance for no other reason than I need a new show to cling to. The withdraw of 24 and Modern Family is still fresh. My wounds need time to heal. So, given the situation, I'm moving on in forgiveness towards Ally. She better not piss me off though, or I'll have to go all Chuck Norris on her ass.

Just a thought, if ABC really wants to boost ratings, they should have Kate Gosslin be the next Bachelorette. How stinking fantastic of a train wreck would that be? I think I'm on to something....

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Weekend Wrap-Up (Birthday style)

As my weekend is drawing to an end, I am reminded of how blessed I am!  My Buckethead treated me so special this weekend for my birthday.  We went as a family down to Wolfgang Puck's new restaurant 560 and had a wonderful dinner (although there were NO kids menu's forcing us to order our 9 year old son a meal that could have taken the whole family to Chili's for the price).  

Never the less, it was so tasty and I was surprised with a David Yurman bracelet after dinner.  Spoiled?  maybe.   Grateful?  Abso-freakin-lutely.  




 

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Friday, May 21, 2010

Winter Weight

The annual 5 pound winter weight gain that begins immediately after Thanksgiving and stays lingering around my waist line and upper thighs until around my birthday (which just so happens to be this weekend) disapeared over the last few days. FINALLY!

I'd like to give a warm thanks to the Stomach Flu for all its help in the weight loss and for making me question if we should install two toilets side by side each other when we remodel our master bath in the fall. Unfortunately, I more than discovered a need for this arrangement.

Now, although the 5 pounds has been flushed down the toilet; it wasn't an easy fix people. I nearly gave myself a concussion from bagging my head on the porcelain throne and any image I hoped my husband would never have of me will now forever be painfully branded in his brain.

Mind you, Buckethead handled it best he could although he obviously thought my pain tolerance could have been a little higher. He would sweetly pat my arm, tell me he loved me,put a cold towel on my head and then think of some excuse to get the hell out of there and turn his headphones up high.

In my defense, living on Gatorade and pepto-bismol for 72 hours isn't exactly my idea of killer time. So, I got cranky? Who wouldn't? So, I screamed when he brought me Cherry flavored children's Tylenol? Big Deal! So, I wrapped my legs with Icy Hot pads and cleared out the entire neighborhoods sinus' with the smell? Sounds like a great idea to me! So, I tried to convince him the only cure for my fever was watching a marathon of The Real Housewives of New York? Duh!

Today, I'm feeling better and will join my sweet family at the Rotating Ball Restaurant in downtown tonight to celebrate my birthday. There is no better birthday gift than being with your family and no longer having the shits.

Happy Weekend!

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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Stain

Somebody peed on the carpet last night. Upon in ital discovery this morning, which unfortunately was by Buckethead, the peaceful and tranquil morning turned quickly into a pissy one (hehe....get it? Pissy?? You know because someone pee'd?). Whilst scrubbing the carpet, Buckethead glared towards the rear french doors at the three dogs peering through the glass panels. All three looked guilty; all three looked innocent; all three looked terrified.

So, given the fact that I'm the one that brought a third dog into our lives thus making us the crazy dog people, anytime one of the dogs does something wrong in our house I immediately try to shield and defend them in hopes that I too, don't get sent outside with only a water bowl and a squeaky toy.

Mark's voice was starting to sound more like a growl (or Kristi Alley's stomach) leaving me no other choice than to think quick. At this point I'm desperate and my only rebuttal is, "Well maybe it wasn't the dogs, it could have been Mitch".

Nice, Jennifer. Blame the pee stain on your 9 year old stepson. I think a better argument would have been if I had blamed it on myself. Mind you, I had a few cocktails last night followed by a Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Hell. Things can happen.

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Monday, May 17, 2010

A Little Bit of TMI

So, I'm wearing this form fitted black dress today and just because I'm a size 4 size 2, doesn't mean that I don't need a little "help" tucking it all in. So what does any cosmo girl do in this situation? Pull out the spanx and prepare to suck it in, tuck it in and roll 'em up.

So here's the TMI, if the above wasn't enough for you already. About 20 minutes ago after my Sonic cheeseburger, I quickly realized I should have had a packet of Splenda for lunch instead. The Spanx had reached it's breaking point. And Oh my Sweet Lady Ga Ga, they were seriously about push my kidney up into my thorax. There was no getting around it; it was either me or the spandex. Fortunately, I have my own office and now the Spanx are resting quietly at the bottom of my purse. What a relief to know I am free to stick out my gut and not fear that my underwear are going to pop like an over-inflated balloon.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fantasy Dinner

Ever played the Fantasy Dinner game before? The game that allows you to pick 7 guest, living or deceased from any era in time, to join you for dinner? Given the fact that nothing in the last 24 hours has occurred that's even worth mentioning or isn't X rated , I decided today, I would share my 7 fantasy dinner guest with you.

Originally my first choice would have been the obvious, Jesus Christ. But then I got to thinking. Sure, we would have a never ending supply of red wine and it's a heck of a lot cheaper to buy water than go to the Liquor store and stock up on some Merlot. Except, I know how I get after a few glasses and my guess is that the wine Jesus makes is pretty freaking awesome. And given the fact that one of my guest would be Teressa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey who's been known to flip a table or two at dinner parties, I decided I would probably just let Jesus join us from Heaven or better yet seat him at the opposite end of the table next to George W. Bush and cross my fingers that George keeps his drinking to a minimum.

Now this next person that would be joining me, I believe and have believed this for sometime now, could be my very best friend if only she would stop asking her security team to escort me from the premises. Just once, if I could breach her system and gain access the rest would be history. We would have pillow fights, gossip and paint each other's toes. This future best friend and the lady that would be sitting on the right hand side of me at this dinner is none other than......Miss Britney Spears.

Not wanting to seem unintelligent and completely surfacy, I know I would need to throw in someone of substance and great political influence. This is why my next guest would be Chelsey Handler Sean Hannity. I would probably put Sean down beside Jesus and George, that way he would know once and for all that Jesus is a Republican.

Common sense kicks in and I realize that somebody has to pay for this dinner of Fillet Mignon, garlic mashed potatoes, sea scallops and Key lime pie; so I decide to invite Buckethead.

Now, I'm down to one final dinner guest and I decide to pick Kate Gosslin. Why? Because it's funny and she really stunk on Dancing with the Stars and at one point she had a litter of kids in her stomach and I want to know if she's REALLY having an affair with her bodyguard and compare hair extensions. (Yes, that sentence is a fragment, run-on etc. but I needed it for dramatic effect) I would deck myself out in head to toe Ed Hardy attire so I resembled her ex, Jon in hopes that she would go crazy and pop out a baby or something.

If she left in a huff, I would quickly replace her with Sebastian, the crab from The Little Mermaid because have YOU ever met a singing crab before? I don't think so.

We would all sit there, enjoying the wine Jesus made listening to the sweet song "Under the Sea" performed by Sebastian. Somehow the course of conversation would turn to the Twilight Saga and I would secretly wish I had chosen Edward Cullen to come to dinner over President Bush.

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Makeover

I don't know about you but I love me a good makeover. When I'm feeling frumpy, bloated and up to my eyeballs with a bunch of white girl problems (such as finding the perfect wedge shoe for the summer), I know that it's time for a little pick me up. Intuitively, I know just what to do and head over to the "Nice Nail" in the Target strip center.

Side note: I don't understand the name of my nail salon. "Nice Nail"? Do they only want you to have ONE nice nail and the other NINE nails look like you used a highlighter to do paint them? Why don't they say Nice NailS. Plural form- that way I don't go in there and make a fool of myself my asking them to paint my right index finger.

I digress. After I go in and visit Choo, the sweet Vietnamese lady who talks trash about me, my grown out cuticles and stinky feet in her native language to the girl beside me, and get rubbed, yanked, scrubed and filed and asked three times if I want her to paint a flowa on my toe, I get out of there feeling rejuvenated and refreshed.

My blog was acting down in the dumps the other day. She told me she wasn't motivated and that she didn't feel pretty anymore. I think she had gotten in a fight with her boyfriend but I didn't bring it up--you know, salt in the wound people?

Any woo, I knew just the ticket--A MAKEOVER! Doesn't she ooze FAB- U - LOSITY!? She's hotter than a gay man in the mosh pit at a Madonna concert! A special thanks to Mary at Blog Rock for fixing my girl up! You can contact her at mary@blogrockmaryrc.com

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Let's Talk About S-E-X

Did that title get your attention?

I feel like I should start with a *disclosure* statement and let you know - the following blog will contain adult content and should not be read by people under the age of 18 or over the age of 65, my dad, my grandad, readers who call me highly inappropriate, and people who pretend they don't have sex and that their children were dropped off on their door step by a stork in a striped conductors hat.

I have a 5th grade step-daughter who's entering the final few weeks of school. The school will begin preparing them for Junior High and what to expect so they are not blind sided when they walk through those nerve-racking doors in a few months. Does anyone know what that means???

SEX EDUCATION CLASS!!!!!

Gulp! In a matter of days my sweet, innocent, secretly still likes to play with Barbies step-daughter will learn about erections, wieners, wet-dreams, periods and intercourse.

I'm so nervous for her! I don't know about you, but I found the penis to be absolutely terrifying! The memories of sitting in our gym watching a video of a cartoon penis ejaculate still haunts me. After the video, I sat there perplex and thought...does SEX mean a man pees in you? I just didn't get it! It was gross and told my friends "I will NEVER, EVER, EVER enjoy that" (Side note: I WAS WROOOONNNNGGG!)

Buckethead has been locked up crying in the bathroom. I shoved a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juice box through the space under the door in hopes he would eat something. I told Buckethead to not be naive; our little innocent baby girl, knows more than we think. After all, she thinks Edward, the Vampire from Twilight is HOOTTT. Along with Justin Beiber and the Jonas Brothers. I'm sure her and her friends are starting to talk about boys and figure things out.

But, the notion that she will have a visual of the male anatomy and what will happen to a boy when you stand too close to him at the end of the year dance party, somehow draws an end to a certain stage of innocence she won't get back.

Now don't get me wrong, I think she should watch the video. 5th grade is the time to do it, otherwise she will get all her get the "facts" from her peers and it may not be the "facts" you want her to believe. That being said, I think it's our job in her home to prepare her for the video so she doesn't try to poke out her eyes in horror. I know some parents were upset because the video doesn't teach abstinence but that's the parent's job not the schools. The school is simply giving the facts. The parent's have to teach the kid the right and wrong way to handle what they have just learned.

My mom did a great job when it came to teaching me about sex. Unfortunately, it was earlier than 5th grade as I had an intense curiosity about the anatomy text book that was up in our attic. She taught me that sex wasn't a bad word or a bad thing, it was just private between a mommy and a daddy. I remember going to my 3rd grade class and telling them that, "Sex is a beautiful thing for our parents".

I got laughed at. Andrew Classuand pointed his big pudgy finger coated in chocolate in my face and yelled "JENNIFER LIKES SEX". I ran to the bathroom and cried. I did voo-doo on him with a Ken doll when I got home from school and called him a lint licker.

One of the things I love the most about my relationship with my step-daughter is that she confides in me. She'll tell me something private, ask me not to tell anyone and I keep my promise. I know that she will come and talk to me about the sex video and I will start to perspire and say ummm and like a lot. I will try to think of other words to use instead of penis, such as boy parts, tee-tee, wienie and tallywacker. I'll try to keep reverting the conversation to maxi pads and periods but never the less, it will come back to the question, "What do boys think about that gives them wet dreams" and I will look up to Heaven and say "You Created it God so why didn't you add a Sex education chapter to the Bible"? I mean I guess I could always go to the Song of Solomon and read about the breast being like two mountains of lilies that the man "feedeth" in.....but I'm afraid that would creep her out even more.

So any suggestions? Thoughts, advice, or opinions? Do you have the perfect thing I should say when the questions are brought up? Can you give my step-daughter and I an Oprah moment?

Monday, May 10, 2010

It Wasn't Me

Harley blamed it on Huck. I shook my head and said, "You really expect me to believe a weenie dog could to this in a matter of minutes?" He just sat there, hoping those big dopey eyes of his would get him out of trouble. It worked and then I took a picture.



Friday, May 7, 2010

Thank You Mom


Thank you Mom for instilling in me the need to wear clean underwear, to not sit too close to the T.V. and teaching me the difference between "closing" a door and "slamming" a door. Even if I never figured out the scale of measurement when you'd tell me, "I've had it up to here". I see a lot you in me now as I attempt to be a grown up in this world.


For example I, too lock myself in my bathroom to soak in the tub with a glass of wine and a romance novel and block out the screams that come from behind the door. I also love to clean out people's ears. Anybody's ears....just like you, Mom. Harley, the dog and Mitch, the step-son go running to hide when I walk out with a Q-tip in my hand.


Sure, I have a long way to go but Mom, you truly are a gift from God and I'm so glad you're my mom! Happy Mothers' Day.


I'd also like to say Happy Mother's Day to my sweet friends Julie and Shasta who became Mom's this past month.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Happy "White Folks Pig Out on Mexican Food" Day!

Buenos Dias, mi amigos!

Happy Cinco de Mayo (not to be confused with "Sinko de Mayo", the day we remember the large ship that sunk off the coast of Mexico in 1805 carrying a massive amount of Mayonnaise....that was so sad. I love mayonnaise. Our thoughts will be with you today Hellmans).

I keep on forcing these political fingers of mine to not use this day to congratulate the state of Arizona for taking a stand on....oh, I don't know,making people abide by the law? No, I will NOT go there. I will not say anything controversial in hopes that I don't get slammed on here (funny thing is, usually it's someone who slams me in "the name of the Lord"....is that a contradiction?). Instead I will be mindless and appealing to all (except maybe the Baptist...well, you can't win em' all) and talk about how much I love margaritas.

Yummmmm......si. Hola. Mi nombre es Jennifer and I am a margaritaholic.



Tonight, I will sip on two, maybe three a frozen margarita with salt on the rim and celebrate the day all white folks eat too much Mexican food, drink too much tequila and dress up in sombreros and ponchos.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Rainbow

Yesterday after the storms rolled out, stretched across the sky was a giant rainbow. As Buckethead and I drove the kids to their mom's house, the following coversation occured:

Buckethead: Okay, kids what does the rainbow signify?

Me: Oooo, Ooooo I know! I know! Pick me!

Buckethead: Mitch?

Mitch: Ahhh, does it mean that it rained?

Julia: Duh, Mitch!

Buckethead: No. Try again. I'll give you a hint. It's a covenant between Man and God.

Me: Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer! Ooo, ooo! Pllleeeeaaassse!

Buckethead: Julia?

Julia: Ummm....is it that Jesus died on the cross?

Me: No, dummy! I know it! Mark, plleeaassse!

Buckethead: Try again, kids. Okay, here's another hint. It has something to do with a boat.

Julia: Okay, when Jesus walked on the water when they were fishing?

Me: NOOOO.....come on guys! Mark, I know the answer!!

Buckethead: Okay a boat and Animals in Pairs of two....sounding familiar?

Me: Of course, it sounds familar. Noah and the Ark! After the flood, God made a covenant with man that he would never destroy the Earth again by a flood.

Buckethead: Jennifer, when I ask a question and it starts with "Kids", try to remember that the question isn't directed to you.

Me: Yes, sir.