Friday, December 31, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Random Ramblings

I'm at home sick today and am watching the Presidential News Conference.

To be honest, I think it's kind of boring and I'm only watching it by default. I clicked on the The Ellen Show and I guess NBC deems Obama's importance slightly higher than a talk show. Is it bad that I care more about the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim's wig collection over how we are going to become a fiscally responsible nation or the removal of "Don't ask, don't tell"?

Sunday night we took the kids to Holiday in the Park at Six Flags. We got in a fight in line with a woman in a Looney Tunes sweatshirt and a missing tooth. This woman went all crazy on us and called Buckethead a "white trash hick that needed to get back to the trailer park" (BH did kinda dress the part: jeans, boots, Harley Davidson ball-cap, and a Carhartt jacket). I responded, "Well then, I guess we're neighbors. Need a ride home?".

She got her acid-washed pleated jeans in a bunch because BH wouldn't let her reorganize the entire line of 2,568 people to accommodate her desire that all 74 members of her family ride together. BH mumbled something to her under his breath that sounded a lot like the web address for weightwatchers.com. BH was a little excited afterwards, however, at the notion that he looked like a country hick -- "do I really look like a hill-billy?" he asked me all wide-eyed and hopeful. "Not really" -- your jacket costs over $100, so do your jeans, and I smell better than cupcakes" I responded. But then again, considering we were at Six Flags....when you lay with the dogs, you DO get fleas...

Two weeks ago, I never thought I would say this but, my Christmas shopping is done AND wrapped--with designer bows and personalized gift tags in the shapes of Poinsettias. Wow, I am SO domestic. At the rate I'm going, I might even make Santa cookies that aren't break and bake.

Since so many of you are special to me but I don't have your address because, after all, we DID meet on the internet. For all you know I'm a fat, hairy guy behind a computer who wants to make a lamp shade out of your skin and a necklace out of your teeth. But since, I didn't want you to miss out, I've attached our 2010 Christmas Card to share with you.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

My Christmas List

Santa Baby,

In contemplating what you will be placing under my Christmas Tree this year, please remember that I am by far the most well-behaved housewife in suburbia. Although you and I both know that isn't saying much, it should count for something, right? Don't think I didn't notice Mrs. Hoochie Britches in her new Mercedes Benz driving past me while I was shoving my dog's warm feces into a plastic bag. If she deserves that, I must be getting a space ship. I mean, I scoop my dog's poop from the neighbor's yard and she hits on everyones husband--I'm clearly the better candidate. Clearly.

Santa Baby listen, I know you're busy. I mean flying across the world in one night. You're not even on first class with the warmed nuts and fuzzy socks--your job ain't easy. At the point, I'm sure Mrs. Clause is fed up with your cranky attitude and is suggesting counseling and a group reading of the "5 Love Languages". Too often, ladies of leisure don't appreciate the hard work of their husbands. I understand Santa, I truly do.

That being said, I want to make your trip to my house as easy as possible. I mean, as you can tell I put the need of others before my own. Not trying to be presumptuous, but I'm going to go ahead and attach my list below.

1.) A secret room like David Letterman's. But Santa remember, I'm an angel. I would use it for good, not for porking over-weight interns. I was thinking of possibly using it for a scrap-booking room or maybe a sauna. The possibilities are endless.


3.) Adoration from all of my Blog followers. I'm kind of like Tinkerbell; I have to have applause to live.


4.)The original Nintendo. We all know that Mario Brothers changes World's civilization for the better.

5.) A sonicare toothbrush. Not much explanation for that one. I just want to be cavity free.... see how responsible I am Santa?

6.) Please make all girls who post a solo picture of themselves in a bikini for their Facebook profile pictures disappear forever....or at least from my news feed.

7.) Edward Cullen--the vampire. Not to be mistaken by Robert Pattinson--the actor.

8.) A chain email that really will make my wildest dreams come true if I forward it to 10 other people.

Any additional items can come from Neimans or infomericals. Oh and Santa, don't forget my spaceship.

All my love,

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Feliz Navidad from Buckethead

(Guest Blogger-Buckethead)

Having children takes Christmas and puts it on steroids for me. Not since I was a little guy in “Sigmund the Sea-monster” footie pajamas have I been so excited about Christmas. Although I am mature enough in my faith to know the real meaning of Christmas, seeing Christmas through the eyes of my kids adds so much joy to the season. I’m sure it’s the same for parents, grand-parents, and grown-ups everywhere.

When my kids were pre-K, we bought them a wooden play-fort/swing-set combo. The store told us the time for an individual to put it together was about 15 hours. I quickly pulled out the checkbook and did what any manly man would do – I wrote a check to have someone else put it together. Only problem? They were filling up the slots of the ‘construction crew’ and the only one we could get was December 19th – almost a week before Santa’s arrival. So, we booked the crew and, on the morning of the 19th, a small contingency of capable and friendly Hispanic men spent a couple of hours building the play-fort. Problem was – the kids saw it all. What is going on Daddy? Why, those men are putting together one ofyour gifts from Santa – a PLAYFORT and SWINGSET!!” I said. “ YEA!!” they both exclaimed, jumping up and down and running around in glee. But, how did Santa get it to us early? Doesn’t he deliver his toys and gifts on Christmas Eve? Who are those men? I could tell their little minds were processing, looking for inconsistencies in my carefully laid out explanation. Well, you see children, those are some of Santa’s elves – here to do some big manual labor and build the swingset for us. Oh, cool!” they shouted – “yea for Santa’s elves! Whew – problem averted – yea for Santa’s elves at $25/hour.

Fast forward to the following week. Driving by a home construction site in our neighborhood, my daughter yells, “Daddy, Daddy!! Look at all those elves – somebody’s getting a whole house for Christmas. Didn’t quite know how to recover from that one (how do I redirect that not all Hispanic construction guys are elves?!?!). And man, don’t even get me started on how hard I had to work a year later to try to convince my son that we were not, in fact, at the North Pole – we were in Cancun and no, Santa’s elves do not love tacos and the Macarena.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and when you sing Feliz Navidad, raise a Corona to Santa’s elves everywhere.

- BH

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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Ornament Night

This weekend we carried out a "Gardner Family Tradition"-- The Green Jello Mold with Pineapple bits.

No, not really. But we did go a pick out an ornament for the Christmas tree. Buckethead and the kids have gone and picked out an ornament every year for the tree. Since this was my first year, I knew I had to be very particular on what ornament I picked for mine.

It HAD to be the best. It HAD to be "special".

After perusing the aisles of Hallmark for "the one" I finally set my eyes on the ornament that had JPO written all over it. It was beautiful. Amazing. A reflection of Me. A memoral ornament that could truly show case the memories of the year, 2010. It was like finding a needle in a hay stack.

But, guess what? I found the Needle! Drum roll, please. Cue the fog!


I found a Bella and Edward ornament from the "Twilight" series. It made me happy. Buckethead took an antacid and then proceeded to shake his head at me. He told me I was such a kid. I disagreed and then he took me to dinner where I made one big straw out of three.

Hmmmm......maybe he had a point.


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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Random Ramblings

Today was day one in the 2010 Christmas shopping ordeal.

Mission: NOT accomplished.

My self-absorbed tendencies ADHD is often highlighted this time of year especially when I'm shopping for others. I'll be out and about, fully focused on the gift buying process, but within moments I will be mesmerized at all the wonderful, mystical, magical presents that should be under the Christmas tree for ME.

A magnetic force kept pulling me toward the Handbag section of Nordstroms. No matter how hard I fought, the tractor beam was too strong. Kind of like Star Wars.

But, I've never seen Star Wars. And if you make a comment that you "can't believe I've never seen Star Wars" then that only means one thing: you're a dweeb.

I made Buckethead my Christmas list today. Then I went into our home office and made a copy for him.....just in case he lost it. It's now laminated and posted on our fridge.

I made a sad, sad, heart-wrenching discovery: I'm allergic to tequila.

So long, sweet margarita. Adios Jose Quiervo.

You see, every time I drink tequila I piss my pants and forget who I am for about 30 minutes. Okay, maybe not that bad but I do end up on the toilet. Actually, that's where I am now.

I hate our dishwasher. I also highly-dislike our washer and dryer. My dishwasher was spraying dirty water all over the kitchen today, whilst my dryer's buzzer hung until I kicked it, spit on it, and told it his momma is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

Our house is so pretty at Christmas time. It makes me happy. The house being all lit up is like living in a Lite Brite. (remember that 1980's classic?). Speaking of Lite Brites, whatever happened to the simple Christmas present request?

I'm shitting bricks at how pricey everything is this year.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't use that kind of language. I'm shitting rocks at how pricey everything is this year.

When I was a kid I told Santa I wanted Barbies and a real life Ken doll all for my self. (Thanks for B.H. Santa! He's better even better with his opposable thumbs and legs that bend) Now, all the kids want are IPod touches, laptops and some "Fusigee Gravity ball" which was sold out in the mall except for in the "As Seen On TV" store. That $30 piece of crap is going to break by New Years.

Happy Belated Birthday to Britney Spears and a few other old pals of mine had a Birthday, too.

Here's a tip: Never trust a man who wears more jewelry than you do.

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