Monday, January 17, 2011

Tooth Fairy Tales

Tonight was a solo night for me with the kids. Buckethead assured me it would be an easy one, gave me a pep talk, a slap on the butt and a knuckle bump before he left entrusting me with his most valuable assets.

Inevitably, something of huge magnitude happened in his absence. Something bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass and Obama's ego; Mitch lost a tooth. And no, I didn't pull it. As it dangled from one nerve, I told him "Good luck buddy; you're on your own". Trust me, I would have passed out, thus causing my body to loose its ability to hold my bowels and it would have been a big mess--a big mess of poo. Huge. So seriously, I'm not a bad step-mom for refusing to help pull the tooth. Right?

I digress.

So the icing on the cake is that Mitch still believes in the Tooth Fairy. Well, throw me a pink tutu, some magic fairy dust and a disturbing obsession for collecting human teeth and BAHM...I AM the TOOTH FAIRY.

Have YOU ever been the tooth fairy? Do you understand the guilt you would have if you were the one who screwed up the whole mystery and magic of being paid for your tooth? (And not in the creepy way, like the guy in my office who I swear wants to make a necklace out of my teeth and a lampshade out of my skin) If you have, then you join me in understanding the seer importance yet overwhelming sense of responsibility that comes with being "The Tooth Fairy".

Thankfully, Tooth Fairy duty went on without a hitch. Somehow, God teaches people once they become parent's how to walk silently through a house, lift up a pillow with a heavy head on it , take out a tooth and stick a couple of bucks under it whilst never disturbing a single sleeping occupant in the house. Man, that would have been helpful when I tried to sneak out of the house when I was a teenager. It never worked--always got caught.

In the morning, I will throw my hands up with surprise when Mitch runs down the stairs to show me the $5 that magically appeared under his pillow last night. I will tell him that must mean he is one of the Tooth Fairies favorites and I will get to once again, be reminded of the sheer magic that it is to be a kid.

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boycottamericanwomen said...

Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


Melissa Jo said...

I've always been amazed at how the tooth fairy worked as a child! I bet it's a blast.

Tiffany said...

Nope, not a bad step mom. I HATE all things to do with losing teeth. Yuck. I do think we end up with the special tooth fairy talent. Haley is a light sleeper and I never seem to wake her up. Don't know how this happens, but I go with it! :) Glad to hear yours went off without a hitch!

Aly @ Analyze This said...

You are such a good step mom! :) BH is lucky to have you!

Sole Matters said...

okay the boycott american women thing cracke me up. really?! anyway..i was wondering how you lift a pillow, find a tooth and put money under the pillow all without them waking up. magic!

JPO said...

I'm not deleting the boycott american women thing because I find it hilarious!!!!

I might even have the man guest blog!

Buckethead said...

It's me, Buckethead, your husband. Uh, I have a question to ask you that I should have asked you a long time ago: you wouldn't happen to be foreign, would you? Because if not, we need to talk and I need you to bring my U2 "Joshua Tree" CD to the discussion...

Stuff could always be worse said...

I love the way the tooth fairy went well. Funny how we can be so quiet, when we have kids!

Shasta said...

That is too funny Jen! Yeah, where were those skills all those times we tried sneaking out! ha

Shasta said...

Boycott American Women sure has his panties in a wad! Love Him! lol

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

one time i forgot...and totally freaked...but i ran up there and said 'i bet the tooth fairy tricked you and hid it under a different spot to be silly....' that's when i hid it under some diff place and acted surprised when i found it. IT never you fear if you forget ...there is always a solution! haha

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this post but, the comment about President Obama was rude, unnecesarry, and not very American.