Thursday, April 30, 2009

Motherly Advice

My mother's words of wisdom for the week. This will be a weekly blog update because she is oh so wise and often eloquent with her words.

"You have big boobs which means you are more prone to cancer. You need to stop putting crap in your body and start eating healthy. Oh, and don't drink out of plastic water bottles, that gives you cancer too."

Update on my dad--Sugery unfortunately was not a success. My dad will have to start radiation soon. Please keep him, and my mom in your prayers. They have a great outlook on things and plan to show God's glory through all of this. My dad is a warrior and I know he can beat this!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu

I've been blowing off this Swine Flue madness that has been interrupting my very important trashy television viewing for the past few weeks. I mean thanks a lot Swine Flu for making me miss the last 5 minutes of Gossip Girl! The only way I figured this pig puking disease would effect me personally would be the terribly annoying and inconvenient, "We interrupt this news cast to bring you this latest update in the....(da da da) SWINE FLU epidemic". Yeah, yeah, we are all going to die just like when the bird flu was set to destroy us all several years back. My college even had this mass email sent out giving all the students a glorious hope that we would get to miss our finals....even if it meant a deadly epidemic was sweeping across our nation. But to the disapointment of the students, the only thing that came out of that was Louis Vuitton made a killing on the LV face mask all the Chinese people bought to protect themselves. If we end up having to wear mask over here, I plan to bank in on this by creating hot pink mask with feathers. Do I have any buyers??

I don't really fret on things like this, except for the bummer that this probably means no cheap, free drinks, all inclusive trip to the beach this summer. Although, I bet there would be no wait in any of the restaurants, discounted massages and they might have an abudance of bacon from all the dead pigs. Although I haven't been too concerned, I was in a business meeting yesterday with a sneezing, runny nosed pig from Mexico who did not cover his mouth and wasn't carrying anti-bacterial gel in his pocket.....should I be worried?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Men Restaurants V.S. Women Restaurants

Why do most men HATE La Madeline? Is it too fru-fru? Is the tomato basil soup not fattening enough? Does the help staff in their little black and white checkered pants freak them out and make them question their masculinity? How is this restaurant any different from Bakers Brothers or Subway? I believe it's all in the name. Bakers Brothers could also be Bakers Brotha so it would make them feel 'street' and Subway has Jared the fat guy turned not so fat guy. Just doesn't make sense to me. Ladies, is there a restaurant your man refuses to go to because it's not 'manly' enough??

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Poe Little Rich Girl

My First Week livin the life of a ghetto star in my new A-P-T has been not completely terrible. Sure I've had a few ghetto encounters such as the cat -call "Hey hot cracka momma youz be lookin fine" or the kid digging in the dumpster outside my apartment for a Hustler magazine and telling me to "mind my business" when I asked him what he was doing. But even a white-bread girl like me can make adjustments to my accustomed life-style...right?

I have to admit, my hurt pride kicked in the first few hours in my new place...The ceiling fan is out dated and has that weird mesh pattern from the 80s on have to pull a metal string to turn the light on in my closet and the appliances in the kitchen are closer to yellow than the advertised "cream". But after a mini-break down and a nice long cry, I have made my crapper feel more like a home. I moved my second hand furniture in with new accessories and curtains and "voila" a palace has been created. But what makes it even better, is that it a continual reminder that I am okay and I can take care of myself....even if it's not ideal.

Now, to put your minds at ease....I have not moved to South Dallas to share an apartment with a Crack hore and become a pimp. I have moved to the prominent and sophisticated Plano, TX. That being said, I have moved into the cheapest apartment in that area (which isn't all that cheap). So, the apartment being out dated was the only draw back I knew of but I figured with the amount of money I would be saving that it would be worth it. Little did I know that a section of the apartment complex (next door to my building) is government housing. LOVELY.

Why is it that these people cannot afford housing on their own yet they all drive gold Cadillacs rollin on dubs?? Well, I believe it has something to do with the high traffic that passes through and the little "exchange" of a small substance. I have seen occur out in the parking lot. I do plan to document this for all my "cracker jack" friends. Stay posted.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why do Men become Freaks in Airports??

I had my first Las Vegas experience a few weeks ago. I flew out to meet Mark for a mini-vacation and had a blast tearing up the town. Sin City was engulfed with Freaks and frenzies and I was able to witness (and participate) in some of the madness. But of all the craziness I witnessed during my actual vacation in Las Vegas, the freaks and frenzie I observed from the male species in the airport topped them all.

After my last visit to the airport, I have come to the conclusion that the airport turns men into horny hormone-driven hound dogs. I flew solo to Las Vegas to meet Mark and had more men attempt to look down my shirt than when I returned to school after the summer of my sophomore year with two great big new surprises (I was a late bloomer). And these are not greasy slimy men who are Platinum members of 1-800-hotchick4u....these are men in business suites; men with their girlfriends; wholesome Rosy cheeked dads and grandpas (gag).

The Male Species with their glazed over eyes, check their couth and reason along with their baggage and proceed to roam the halls of the airport in search of some flesh to ogle over. I was sitting up against a post in the airport reading a magazine and a man literally stopped in front of me and proceeded to stand there staring at me. I looked up, made eye contact, rolled my eyes and began reading my magazine in hopes of him getting the hint--didn't work. I look up again, roll my eyes, look back down--still nothing. Finally, after me saying "What the hell are you looking at?" the zombie man temporarily came back to reality and walked away in search of some more eye candy.

I know what my mother is thinking...."Well, you were probably wearing something inappropriate". NOT TRUE. I actually didn't look that great at all. I had a long day a work, followed by a 2 1/2 hour delay at the airport and a greasy cheeseburger that had left a giant kethcup stain down my sleeve and grease secreting from my pores.

On the way back from Las Vegas, since I was with Mark, I made the conclusion that this would solve the problem. Hypothesis--incorrect! Sure, they were slightly more discrete in their attempts to get a good visual but none the less, still creepy and automaton.

Listen guys, yes women like to be glanced at...hey, even give us a second look but DON'T be so obvious. It's annoying, it's gross and you look like an idiot.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dirty Little Secret

Okay...I think I'm finally ready to admit I have a serious problem. A very dirty side to me that has been apart of me for as long as I can remember. It started in childhood, around 3 years old. My nanny/housekeeper did this to me;she is to blame. After countless friends, roommates, parental units, a husband, and a new boyfriend have brought this to my attention...I must face the facts: I AM A SLOB....Mounds of clothes pile up in each corner of my room; my closet has more clothes on the ground than on hangers; stacks of unpaid or paid (I'm not sure) bills are scattered across my dining room table and make up is scattered from one end of my bathroom to another.

Ever notice how hard it is to acknowledge the truth. Even if it's a truth you've always known...just never admitted? Although, the peroxide from my fake blond hair has soaked into my scalp,traveled down to my brain and caused a few 'blond moments' --I'm not a complete idiot. I have two eyes...I see the chaotic plethora of disorganized madness I call my life. It's always worked for me though...I mean, it has come in handy on more than one occasion the fact that I have about 3 pairs of shoes and at least one change of clothes in my car.

Had a Huge fight with the bf this morning....over what? --My inability to keep a living facility clean. He gives me a call....saying this has been bothering him for a long time and then has an explosion mouth diarrhea over how my mess affects his life. Now of course, natural tendency of mine--I throw up the dukes, get into defense mode ready to battle it out. My rebuttal? -You are grumpy, you are mean, you are a clean-freak, "if you don't like who I am, then why are you with me"? But as I have sat here person tells you something, it might not be true but if a zillion people tell you the same thing?? -Dang gurl, you best be listenen to dat!!

So many people (including myself) are convinced they shouldn't have to change. Having the mind set I am who I am, 'love it or leave it'. But why do we do this? Are we not suppose to strive to be better--especially as Christians. Sure, it hurts my pride for someone to pick out a flaw in doesn't 'feel' good but how do our flaws hurt the ones around us. Why should they have to pick up the slack for where we fail. Don't get me wrong, I think this it what family and friends are for...they pick you up when you are carry the load you can't carry yourself....for a season in life. That's where I have missed the boat. I usually just think, yeah I'm messy but my mom is SUPER clean.....she must enjoy cleaning. Or, Mark has a clean house and magically it stays that way, even when I'm there...I wonder if there is a laundry fairy living there (yeah right!)? But that's not fair to them. I have to do better, be better to them. I need to show respect for others and not let my tolerance of clutter infect their sterile little worlds....I will do better!

I wish there was a college course in Tidiness 101. Any suggestions for easy or fun ways to keep clean? Stay organized? I need help people!!