Friday, May 29, 2009

Hucky hates my Honey

Hucky-bear (my dog) has been the love of my life for three years and especially spoiled to this adoration from me post divorce. He has shared my bed, shared my food and at times been the snuggle partner for me on sad days. I have allowed my dog to get away with murder out of guilt that I took him from his home with a nice backyard and a playmate (sweet Bella) to alone in an apartment with just snotty ole' me.

Times have changed and Huckster is no longer the only man in my life--now enters Mark. Mark- a nice but firm man that believes animals have their place and that's NOT on the couch or sitting in your lap at the dinner table. Mark--a man that doesn't find Huck's weak bladder to be endearing. Mark--a bit of an antagonist that thinks it's funny to see Huck squirm and will do this by sneaking up behind him and yelling boo or making faces at him behind my back.

This has gotten so bad that the other day Mark made Huck so nervous, that he crapped and peed...AT THE SAME TIME. You have to be one terrified pup to loose control of your entire bowel system. Now, in Mark's defense Huck is such a sissy. I should dress him up in a tutu and put a tiara on his head....but regardless it makes me sad that they cannot get along.

All this has caused a rival between the two. Huck despises Mark and I'm starting to notice I think Mark feels the same. I don't really know what to do. I love them both....any suggestions?

How do I make the two important men in my life get along???

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Rice Cake

I filled up for all of about two seconds this morning on a Rice Cake. It tasted just like flavored Styrofoam, but looked so pretty with its Carmel colored swirls and airy nature. 50 calories of heaven was about to be eaten...right??? WRONG,

Rice Cakes are evil and now I hate them. Starving does not even begin to describe how I feel right now and I know that the nasty fluffy Carmel plastic intensified my hunger. I still have about an hour and half until lunch, and I plan on eating something terribly unhealthly like a cheeseburger with bacon and tater tots.....yummm yummm.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You know what I was just recollecting??/

Weren't we all suppose to die of the Swine Flu????? Whatever happend with that?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Christians won Idol? SERIOUSLY???

Before I become one of those crazed, live alone with my cat, idol fans let me set the record straight on a few points. Yes, I am a Christian. Two, I am not for Gay marriage, liberal standards blah, blah, blah. But seriously, what is this all about "God's choice" winning American Idol. This is driving me nuts....

Adam, my choice and the obvious greater talent, lost last night and rumored to be because he is gay. First, has he ever come out and said he is gay? NO! Does he flaunt that he is gay...Absolutely not. Adam isn't some Perez Hilton going around defining himself by his preferences in the bedroom. He is trying to define himself as a singer....and he was a dang good one at that. I can't stand it when people drive around with a rainbow sticker on the back of their makes me feel like I should have a bumper sticker claiming "I am straight". Adam never did, talked about or referenced this and proved that there are people out there that know how to keep personal business personal.

Adam is actually better off because he doesn't have to sing that stupid, ridiculous "climb this mountain/rain/hurricane" song that the "whats her name again?" new judge wrote. He will be a huge star!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Friendship Custody Battle

The papers were signed;divorce lawyers paid; the house divided; dogs alienated and the furniture designated. The bank accounts separated; the families estranged; the ring sold on eBay; the tears and memories packed away. But what happens to the friendships? The people you jointly collected in your lives when you were one? Who gets who in the custody battle of outside relationships?
B and I have a few relationships I like to think we won joint custody over. The select few couples (mainly college friends) usually consist of this scenario: the husband is closer to him and the wife was closer to me. Usually in this situation, we stay off the subject of "the other one". I know they speak to him, he knows they speak to me yet we pretend that doesn't happen.
Then there are the relationships where we have obtained sole custody-best friends, sisters, brothers etc. Usually the friendships I lost in the divorce I rarely think about. Not because I don't miss the's actually quite the contrary. I don't think about them because I DO miss the friendships. It's one of the hardest things about divorce. So many people don't realize how many people divorce affects--I didn't realize it. It impinges on your parents, family and your friends. Some of the people I gained sole custody of, I know miss Blair-- and yet, because of me, that once upon a time, close friendship is forever lost.

I ran into some lost friends of mine Sunday at Target. I was there with my new life (mark and the kids) and there he was, the same person I knew and loved in my old life. It was so surreal to me. Of course, the encounter was nothing but friendly and warm, but the "nice to see you, take care" ending really hit a new reality for me. Divorced pretty much ended that friendship. It wasn't how our endings use to be, "see you soon; talk to you later". It was now something completely different. An open ended good luck with your life, farewell. It made me hurt a little. But, that's one of the many things a divorce destroys.

I'm thankful that I didn't put children through a divorce. When I see the hurt it has caused on the man that I love and his children, it makes me thank God that my selfishness didn't fall burden onto children. But it did fall burden onto my family and friends. Ideally, custody could always be 50/50 but they don't call it a Custody Battle for nothing. It's a fight to the end and casualties are inevitable.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Jesus Fish

Well, I just finished up yet another Defensive Driving course I had to take for a speeding ticket. Just a piece of the video....I nearly failed the course and was send it in the night before it was due to the court. The Queen of Procrastination still lives up to her title. No applause please!

Back in the day, I never got tickets. It was part of my legacy. Nearly crashing head first into a cop car due to going the wrong direction in a U-turn lane couldn't stop my mojo from getting out of a ticket. But in the last several years, this has changed. I have received three tickets. Boy, the effects that has on ones self-esteem. Have I lost my touch? Do cops not think I'm hot anymore? Was my peak in life really my Senior year of high school?? Are my boobs shrinking?

I have chalked all these reasons up to be the demise of my ticket free streak. But the other day it hit me. There has been a change that co insides with my sudden progression in tickets....... THE JESUS FISH. How could I be so stupid?? I, Jennifer Porter, sister of a pastor, no longer rock the Jesus Fish on my car. I mean, think about it....when a cop pulls over someone with the Fish on their car, it's basically giving a speeding ticket to Jesus....and who would be stupid enough to do that?

The only problem with having the Jesus Fish on your car is you have to remember to ACT like a Christian when you are driving. I think driving is probably for me one of the hardest places to act like a Christian because the drivers freakin piss me the hell off!!! I actually believe that people with Jesus fish on their cars are usually worse drivers. It never fails that the sky blue mini van that just cut you off, honked their horn and flipped you the bird, is probably going to have a Jesus Fish on the back of the car.....and an old faded George W. Bush for President bumper sticker.

Never the less, I'm going to test my hypothesis....I will be getting a new Jesus Fish to put on my car. Jesus and I are going to show those cops who's boss!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm Sorry

For those of you who managaed to read the blog I posted today (which was only posted for a few hours) I want to apologize. In a moment of weakness, a door opened to take a shot at my ex and sadly....I took it. I'm disapointed in myself for using my ex's innocent bi-standard (his fiancee') in an attempt to make myself feel better using no greater medicine...scarasim.

I will promise not to use names and specifics when I bash people from now on but, I must warn you.....when I do write my book, if you've pissed me off, you WILL be in it. But, I do promise to change your name and your hair color to protect your identity.

SORRY AGAIN. Peace out brothas

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Big Lots is Calling My Name

I have found a new obsession.....Big Lots. No, I have never been. Yes, I have heard it's just a warehouse full of crap; a glamorous Dollar General Store;a lice haven; an illegal immigrant's Heaven on Earth. But, I don't care. The more I think about it, the more real and appealing the fantasy becomes. I day dream about finding a yellow Dyson roller ball vacuum cleaner in a Big Lots for fifty bucks. Yeah, you might think my daydreams are stupid, but their mine! And I'm a baptist for goodness sake, what else would I be fantasizing about???.......Well, actually....don't answer that.

So I can't find one of these stores anywhere. I must go! I must find a Big Lots. I will not be able to concentrate on much else until I do. Have you ever been to a Big Lots my fellow bloggers, my loyal followers? Is it all I've dreamed of and more?