Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Christmas Story

I'm one of the few people who actually like their family. No, not tolerate, not just love but really and truly LIKE my family. Now, I'm not sure if I would say this with the same enthusiasm if I lived in the same town but since I don't, everytime I'm in my hometown I enjoy every minute of it.

Side excerpt: My family, among their many suggestions, comments, likes and pure and utter distain regarding this blog told me that I use "WAY TOO MANY COMMAS". So instead of taking back all their Christmas presents and exchanging them for 75% off George Forman Grills, I've decided to try to absorb their advice and not, use, too, many, commas.,,,,,

Back to the story....Sorry I get side tracked, I'm off my meds. Which brings me to a word from our sponsor: Wellbutrin-The tiny pill giving you Christmas Spirit all year long.

Well, anyways, (comma,comma, comma)Christmas was great and my fam-damnly was even greater. I do feel somewhat for my family because they feel this deep amount of pressure to provide content for my blog. And since we all like each other and my Grandma isn't going to tell my mom that her green bean casserole taste like a bowl of dirty shoelaces, our enjoyable Christmas weekend would be rather boring to write about and you would all curse my name and shake your white knuckled fist angrily toward you computer screen yelling "Be Funny, Damn it!". You don't understand how much pressure that is on me. I found myself secretly wishing that my family would bring on the drama so I could entertain you through embarassing them.

But oh how my father never fails me. He waited until the Sunday we left, but ye, he gave me blog content. Yes, I am thankful for my dad for putting me through college, giving unconditional love, making grave sacrifices for the betterment of his family, but mostly I'm thankful for my dad for providing me funny blog content.

We ran out of paper towels during Sunday lunch so my Dad went into the pantry to pull out some paper napkins for everyone to use. He comes out with a huge pile of cocktail napkins and sets them out on the table. Everyone grabs one and my fiancee looks at the napkin and then tucks it in the front of his shirt where we could all clearly see the print on the napkin: "Jennifer and Blair R-------. July 16, 2005".

Yep, my family used the rest of Blair's and my left over wedding napkins during our Sunday lunch. I wish I would have snapped a picture of Mark with the wedding napkin tucked in his shirt. It was sooo funny!

Friday, December 25, 2009

My Grown Up Christmas List

Merry Christmas!

I come to you this Christmas morning, from Mont Belvieu, TX. Hometown of the infamous blogger, yours truly, ME.

My father, once again talked us into opening our presents the night before Christmas, so this morning has been rather relaxed except for Hucky vomiting up the Ham I snuck to him during breakfast this morning. The funny thing is immediately after he threw up, all over my bed (nice touch Huck), he seriously stuck his head in my purse and pulled out a piece of gum.

My family was all to generous with their gift giving. Mark also spoiled me before I left the big D with season ticket to the Dallas Summer Musicals. My brother made me tear up with his beautiful gift. But, with all the beautiful presents I received, Santa let me down this year. I only asked him for one simple thing; that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake would get back together, get married and create a Christmas CD together.

It's not like I'm asking for World Peace, Wars to end, Famine to disappear or an X Box 360. It's just a simple little request that would make my world just a little bit brighter. Oh well Santa, maybe next year. But I must warn you, you might want to double check to see if the fire is still nin my fireplace when it's your turn to come down my chimney next year. No it's not a threat, just something to think about.

In all seriousness, Merry Christmas. I am thankful to serve a God who humbled himself and came to save us through the birth that we celebrate this Christmas morning. The God who hung the moon, came as a weak baby to save us from a life of filth we could not clean off ourselves. Happy Birthday, Jesus.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Domestic Goddess: A Failed Attempt.

I lied to Mark.

Yesterday we had a Christmas party to attend and earlier that afternoon Mark casually asked me what side dish we should bring. First and foremost, him having to be the one that brings it up proves that I suck (my mom HATES when I use that word, but I need it for emphasis) as a Domestic Goddess because absent minded me would have showed up looking super sassy but empty handed. But above all else, unless Santa's elves could sprinkle some Christmas magic in my kitchen the likely hood of me whipping up a lovely loaf of fruit cake is as unlikely to happen as Britney Spear's becoming my best friend, but a girl can dream.

I usually avoid cooking for other's like I would avoid the plague, however Mark and the kiddos; they have to deal with it. I haven't always felt this way about my family, but after Mark told me how great the Pork chop and rice dish that was the color of pepto bismol on crack, I discovered he loved me enough to fake it. And the kids....I'll I can do is silently apologize and pray that they won't remember my cooking, or lack there of, but rather my mad skills on the trampoline.

Anyways, if it wasn't for the fact that my man's, wonderfully domestic ex had just sweetly given us a bag of Christmas deliciousness that was sooo yummy it made me self-conscious and completely fulfilled and warm inside simultaneously, I probably would have said, "Honey, why do you think there is an ENTIRE aisle at the grocery store designated for snacks? We'll, just pick up a package of Oreos". LONG PAUSE. "Wait, that isn't very festive. Hell, lets go all out and get the red and green frosted kind".

But, I didn't. I lied. I told Mark that I had a holiday dish that I was well versed in and could whip up in a snap. And the dish is.....DRUM ROLL PUUULLLEASSE. Puppy Chow. You know the cereal and chocolate concoction that everyone and there mommas know how to make. The easiest dish I could think of off the top of my head and actually I have made it. Once. In Home Ec. In 6th grade. I made a B-, and that was one of the "easy A" classes.

Well I need some alone time and in a house with two kids, one fiancee and three dogs (that's another blog), the only place to find that is on the pot. So, I told everyone I had to go "big potty" (yes that is what they call dropping the Cosby kids off a the pool in the Gardner house hold) and snuck my lap top in with me....but since I was there and the toilet seat is SO inviting....okay, I'll stop now.

Anyways, so I looked up the ingredients and directions and it looked as easy as farting so I was in like Flinn. (Just just made a fart joke which is funny, even if it's not really funny). I felt like a soccer mom as I ran to the grocery store in my sweat pants and Ugg boots with grocery list in hand. I even bought the Kroger brand to save a few bucks and used my preferred shopper card. Got home and started the whip up process, looking perfected in place in that....oh what's it call? It has the microwave in it and a sink...oh yeah, THE KITCHEN.

Slowly heat the peanut butter and chocolate chips over medium heat until melted. Check.

Mix in a large bowl melted chocolate and peanut butter with box of chex cereal and mixed nuts. Check.

Lightly sprinkle powered sugar on top. Check.

Now tell me, How the HELL did I mess that up? I still don't get it, but guess what? It happened to me! And then I had a mini-meltdown. Actually, if you know me...there's no such thing as a "mini" melt-down. In the mist of snot, tears and more snot (I have had terrible sinuses this week) I wined and fessed up to Mark about my little ole' tiny white lie.

While tasting my salty tears and a little bit of slimy snot, I told him how I felt that I did could not meet his expectations in a mate. That I would never be the Domestic Goddess that his ex-wife was and that my Puppy Chow tasted more like Puppy shit. Now, although this is not verbatim. The love of my life, wrapped his arms around me and assured me by saying:

"You are all I could ever want. You are my best friend, love of my life, you make a killer roast and you have time to learn. And as you learn, with every failure and success, I will be there, cheering for you. And besides, Martha Stewart doesn't hold a candle to your looks".

And as I wiped away my snot and tears on Mark's $150 shirt, I thought to myself, "He's right. Martha's got NOTHING on my ass".

Friday, December 18, 2009

Pass the Pepto

Through this wedding planning process I have found that I can actually be thrifty, especially when I'm spending my own personal money. I wanted a designer dress but I didn't want to fork out a semester of Julia's future college tuition on it, so I bought a sample dress and took it to be fitted. I assured the seamstress during my dress fitting that I would be loosing at least 5 pounds before the wedding as I told her to "pull it tighter" while I gasped for air. She looked a little uneasy, but did as she was told to prevent the rise of bridezilla.

All that to say, I have NOT lost 5 lbs....I've gained it. Now I know why Spring is the peak wedding season and not winter. Like a bear, prepping for hibernation I have been busy stuffing my face and adding an extra layer of blubber over my bones. To prove that I'm NOT exaggerating, which I NEVER do on here, by the way, I have included everything I have eaten today below:

-A Hersey kiss mold in the shape of a mouse (I have some strange co-workers).
-A cup of non-alcoholic (dang it) egg-nog
-A piece of meat with mayo rolled around a pickle (like I said...strange co-workers)
-Bean Dip
-Cheese Ball
-Cheddar Pop-corn....4 servings
-A Salad (had to throw a little health in there)
-Ranch Dressing covering my once healthy salad
-Another cup of egg-nog (still no alcohol)
-Carmel Popcorn
-A slice of Pecan Pie

I feel disgusting. I know 6lb 8 oz baby Jesus didn't invisioned us celebrating his birth by committing the sin of gultony.

MUST STOP EATING. MUST STOP EATING. MUST STOP EATING......
-

Friday, December 11, 2009

Wicked Stepmom

As a child one of my all time favorite movies was "Cinderella". Disney captured my attention and all children alike, in the life of the beautiful girl who was mistreated by her "wicked stepmother". Lady Tremaine, the step-mother of Cinderella, never laid a hand on her, yet her psychological abuse left Cinderella in such despair, her only hope was to find a Prince Charming to rescue her.

Snow White, another Disney favorite has a similar villain, The Queen (a.k.a. Snow White's Evil Step-mother). The Queen, out of jealousy towards her step-daughter's beauty, attempts to kill Snow White by poisoning an apple. Doomed to a fate of eternal sleep, Snow White is only saved by her Prince Charming.

THANKS A LOT DISNEY. You have inadvertently subconsciously instilled a fear of step-mom's into my future step-children's minds which has now lead me to fear that my kid's will fear me because of the fear you made the princess' feel in your feel good movie that's not suppose to make kid's fearful(Pop Quiz: How many x's did I use the word fear?).

Now, I know that J and M love me and are excited about me becoming their step-mom, but hypothetically if I have to send Julia to her room (which, would never happen now, but I was once a teenage girl and I'm already shaking in my Spanx over those few years) will she believe that I am the evil-stepmom that has locked her in the tower of the castle? When I bring her her dinner with sliced apples on the side, will she suspect that I poisoned them and flush them down the toilet. Will she look as Huck and think of the cat, Lucifer from "Cinderella"?

As much as I love Disney, they have put a very negative image on Step-mom's. I guess I will just have to spend the next 50 + years proving to Mitch and Julia that Disney SO got this one wrong and that THIS step-mom is going to rock the socks off of my role in their lives. Yes, I will fail them and myself but unlike the storybooks we've all read, they will never need to fear me or doubt my love for them. I will prove to them that life isn't always a fairy tale and that sometimes...IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Weird Craving


No, I'm not pregnant but I've had the weirdest craving lately for Grape Juice and Crackers. I would normally feed the craving but it feels odd eating the Lord's Supper for a snack in front of the t.v. showing Desperate Housewives.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Going to the Chapel


The Date is set! I will become Jennifer Gardner, January 29, 2010!

Now, I have to get started on writing my vows!